Nov. 3, 2008

HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • ABC’s Monday Night Football will host John McCain and Barack Obama at half-time tonight. They may do a little game analysis. John McCain will call for the bomb and Barack Obama will say the quarterback ought to share his salary with the middle class. • The Hubble Telescope […]

Nov. 2, 2008

BEVERLY HILLS–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • CBS Radio marked the 70th anniversary Thursday of its national broadcast of War of the Worlds by H.G. Wells. Every listener believed we were under attack by Martians. After the ensuing nationwide panic, Dick Cheney never worked in radio again. • Bill Clinton campaigned with Barack Obama […]

Oct. 31, 2008

HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • Sarah Palin was hanged in effigy in a Halloween display in West Hollywood. The law varies. If a gay gets hanged it’s a hate crime, if a black gets hanged it’s a federal crime, if an Arab gets hanged, it means he was cleared of having weapons of […]

Oct. 30, 2008

HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • Barack Obama delivered a campaign speech at an outdoor rally in a Philadelphia suburb during a thunderstorm Tuesday. Lightning bolts literally flashed across the sky as he spoke. God just did the math and realized his taxes are going up. • The L.A. Times refused to release video […]

Oct. 29, 2008

HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • John McCain reportedly asked Sarah Palin on Monday to tone down her attacks on Barack Obama. It was probably a wise move. John McCain’s advisers reminded him that the last time he attacked someone it was North Vietnam and they ended up winning. • London hosted the premiere […]

Oct. 28, 2008

HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • Sarah Palin faced questions Friday about the $150,000 wardrobe Republicans bought her. She has no idea of costs. Anything they bring to her to wear, she just assumes it’s the skin of whatever they had for dinner last night. • Los Angeles firefighters had to put out fires […]

Oct. 27, 2008

HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • Sarah Palin was revealed Wednesday to have received a new wardrobe courtesy of the GOP. They spent nearly $200,000. It’s all going to be worth it because if she’s elected vice president, Professor Higgins wins his bet with Colonel Pickering. • The Mongols Motorcycle Club was busted by […]

Oct. 26, 2008

BEVERLY HILLS–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • The Tampa Bay Rays made the World Series after 10 miserable seasons. Last year they dropped the Devil from the Devil Rays name and went from last to first. John McCain just asked Sarah Palin to change her middle name from Lucifer to Lucinda. • Rancho Cucamonga […]

Oct. 24, 2008

OKLAHOMA CITY–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • Al-Qaeda was reported Monday to have netted $800 million dollars cash in illegal drug sales last year. Now they’re all too rich to volunteer for suicide missions. Who would have guessed that the best way to fight terrorism is to do heroin. • The USC Trojans leap-frogged […]

Oct. 23, 2008

HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • Wall Street enjoyed a normal trading pattern in the stock market for the first time in a month Monday. There was a national sigh of relief. Americans were never happier to turn on cable news and see kidnapped children as the hour’s top story. • Colin Powell endorsed […]

Oct. 22, 2008

HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • Colin Powell endorsed Barack Obama Sunday on NBC’s Meet the Press. It horrified his own party. Republicans who used to say they weren’t racist because they would vote for Colin Powell can only say now that the maid was like a second mother to them. • Sarah Palin […]

Oct. 21, 2008

HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • Joe the Plumber was hailed by Republicans Thursday for questioning Barack Obama’s tax hikes to his face last week. Reporters have since exposed him as unlicensed, behind on his taxes, and using a fake name. If Tony Romo had the same kind of protection Barack Obama gets, the […]

Oct. 20, 2008

HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • Jerry Jones was reported having a tough time Thursday finding a company to buy the naming rights to his new stadium. The products most associated with the Dallas Cowboys don’t need to pay for the publicity. They get mentioned in every arrest report. • Dan Quayle said Thursday […]

Oct. 19, 2008

BEVERLY HILLS–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • Acorn workers fraudulently registered Mickey Mouse as a Democratic voter last week in Florida. It’s just crazy. There’s so much fraud in voter registration that five guys on Wall Street are thinking about securitizing it and selling it to German banks. • Barack Obama was revealed to […]

Oct. 17, 2008

OKLAHOMA CITY–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • CBS News anchor Bob Schieffer hosted the debate Wednesday between Barack Obama and John McCain. They spent 90 minutes thanking him for his question, ignoring the question, then doing their act. Marriage counselors always tell people in a rut like this to try new positions.

Oct. 16, 2008

OKLAHOMA CITY–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • The San Fernando Valley was swept up by brushfires north of Los Angeles Monday which ignited in the canyons and burned suburban houses in the foothills. A lot of people told the firefighters to get lost. They don’t have insurance against foreclosure. • Wall Street enjoyed a […]

Oct. 15, 2008

HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • The San Fernando Valley was hit by wildfires Monday, forcing evacuations in Chatsworth. It halted production at the city’s many porno studios. If you want to watch Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac go down together you’ll have to buy the Wall Street Journal. • Wall Street soared 1,000 […]

Oct. 14, 2008

HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • Sarah Palin will host NBC’s Saturday Night Live in two weeks with Tina Fey. Don’t miss the opening segment. Sarah and Tina take turns saying idiotic things and the crowd has to guess which ones are jokes and which ones are Republican policy proposals. • The Catalina Sky […]

Oct. 13, 2008

HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • Wall Street staged a major rally after a disastrous opening Friday. The market responded to leadership. The rally began when Bill Clinton went on the air and reminded Americans that just because something is crooked doesn’t mean it can’t go up. • Baghdad’s stock market was reported booming […]

Oct. 12, 2008

BEVERLY HILLS–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • The White House took North Korea off the terrorism watch list Friday. They are relatively harmless. This year’s premiere episode of 24 has a suitcase nuclear bomb detonating in Times Square and doing less damage than President Bush has done. • President Bush revealed plans to nationalize […]