May 11, 2008
BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
• Jenna Bush was married at the family ranch in Crawford on Saturday with President Bush looking on. The ceremony went off flawlessly and without a hitch. Disaster was narrowly averted last month when Donald Rumsfeld was fired as the wedding planner.
• Frank Sinatra is pictured on the new 42-cent stamp out Monday as the Postal Service pays tribute to Old Blue Eyes. They are increasing the price of the stamp by one penny. The only way they could get Frank Sinatra was to raise the cover charge.
• Roger Clemens’ mistress Mindy McCready claimed she was 17 when they met, not 15. He’s also linked to three other women. Right now he wants to step back and spend a little private time with his family, if he can remember where he left them.
• The new Grand Theft Auto IV video game made $500 million in its first week in stores. It provides fast action and guns and sex and car theft and violence. The video game’s so addictive that rehab centers wean you off it with crack.
• Oliver Stone gave interviews Friday about his new movie on President Bush. The director resents him. Until President Bush began seeing Saddam Hussein as a threat to the United States, Oliver Stone was the leading conspiracy theorist in the country.
• Hillary Clinton had to loan her campaign $6 million on Wednesday. Her game plan was flawed. The strategy to win the Democratic nomination by appealing to white voters collapsed when it turned out they’ve been Republicans for 40 years.
• Hillary Clinton angered liberals Thursday by quoting The Associated Press poll saying only she can carry white voters for Democrats. Reaction was frenzied. It’s the first time a poll of Americans has ever been labeled hate speech by the New York Times.
• Hillary Clinton said in West Virginia Thursday she will stay in the race until there’s a nominee. She’s favored to win big in West Virginia on Tuesday. She can’t claim she is from West Virginia, but she can say that her mother and father both smoked.
• John McCain’s fellow POW said Thursday that during their captivity in North Vietnam, the POWs named McCain their chaplain. He said McCain recited by heart the Episcopal Church ritual. Within a month their jailers were answering the dinner bell on the first ring.
• Cindy McCain vowed Thursday she will never release her tax returns even if her husband is elected president. She’s a wealthy beer distributor. We’d know what’s causing the foreclosure crisis if we found out how much money Americans spent on beer.
• John McCain threw sharp elbows at Barack Obama Thursday as he cracked jokes on The Daily Show and Live with Regis and Kelly. There’s a wide generational divide. Barack Obama is offering hope and change while John McCain is offering Hope and Crosby.
• Barack Obama went to the U.S. Capitol to monitor a secret meeting of uncommitted super-delegates. He’s been campaigning forever. He knows every road in Indiana like the back of his hand but he had to ask the tour guide how to get to his Senate office.
• George McGovern switched his support from Hillary Clinton to Barack Obama on Monday. Thirty-six years ago Hillary worked all year as a McGovern for President volunteer, and he turned on her the day before her biggest primary. One by one, Baby Boomers continue to wrack our brains trying to remember exactly what it was we had against Richard Nixon.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact him at:
argus@argushamilton.com
