Nov. 11, 2008

HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • Sarah Palin brushed off gossip by anonymous McCain aides Thursday. They called her a hillbilly who spends money like crazy and thinks Africa is a nation, not a continent. It’s the best impression of a Powerball Lottery winner anybody ever saw. • San Francisco officials decided Friday to […]

Nov. 10, 2008

HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • Wall Street fell 900 points in the first two days after Barack Obama’s election. It figures. Everyone was so worried about the riot damage by Democrats if Barack Obama lost they forgot about the cost of the Republican riot if he won. • Barack Obama held his first […]

Nov. 9, 2008

BEVERLY HILLS–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • Barack Obama offered himself as an example of hope to a cheering Chicago crowd Tuesday. It whipped the crowd into a frenzy. If America can elect a black man president whose middle name is Hussein then next year’s the year for the Chicago Cubs. • John McCain […]

Nov. 7, 2008

OKLAHOMA CITY–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • Barack Obama was elected president of the United States on Tuesday. It was one for the history books. The Republicans feel the same way the British felt after Yorktown, thanks to some idiot named George on the throne they lost the entire country. • Barack Obama delivered […]

Nov. 6, 2008

BEVERLY HILLS–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • Barack Obama won election to be the 44th president of the United States on Tuesday. It was a campaign launched by his opposition to the war. Barack Obama was so annoyed that President Bush doesn’t have an exit strategy that he gave him one. • Barack Obama […]

Nov. 5, 2008

HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • The Hubble Telescope sent back photographs which astonished astronomers Monday, showing that the planet Mercury is covered in a mysterious blue gooey substance. It’s no mystery. It’s just Tim Russert out there somewhere awarding Mercury to Barack Obama. • Election Day had the biggest voter turnout ever Tuesday. […]

Nov. 4, 2008

HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • The U.S. Constitution requires Americans to elect a new president Tuesday. There are no losers on this day. The winner’s supporters will think they have a mandate to rule and the loser’s supporters will live in a parallel universe in which they won. • Election Day arrives today […]

Nov. 3, 2008

HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • ABC’s Monday Night Football will host John McCain and Barack Obama at half-time tonight. They may do a little game analysis. John McCain will call for the bomb and Barack Obama will say the quarterback ought to share his salary with the middle class. • The Hubble Telescope […]

Nov. 2, 2008

BEVERLY HILLS–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • CBS Radio marked the 70th anniversary Thursday of its national broadcast of War of the Worlds by H.G. Wells. Every listener believed we were under attack by Martians. After the ensuing nationwide panic, Dick Cheney never worked in radio again. • Bill Clinton campaigned with Barack Obama […]

Oct. 31, 2008

HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • Sarah Palin was hanged in effigy in a Halloween display in West Hollywood. The law varies. If a gay gets hanged it’s a hate crime, if a black gets hanged it’s a federal crime, if an Arab gets hanged, it means he was cleared of having weapons of […]

Oct. 30, 2008

HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • Barack Obama delivered a campaign speech at an outdoor rally in a Philadelphia suburb during a thunderstorm Tuesday. Lightning bolts literally flashed across the sky as he spoke. God just did the math and realized his taxes are going up. • The L.A. Times refused to release video […]

Oct. 29, 2008

HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • John McCain reportedly asked Sarah Palin on Monday to tone down her attacks on Barack Obama. It was probably a wise move. John McCain’s advisers reminded him that the last time he attacked someone it was North Vietnam and they ended up winning. • London hosted the premiere […]

Oct. 28, 2008

HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • Sarah Palin faced questions Friday about the $150,000 wardrobe Republicans bought her. She has no idea of costs. Anything they bring to her to wear, she just assumes it’s the skin of whatever they had for dinner last night. • Los Angeles firefighters had to put out fires […]

Oct. 27, 2008

HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • Sarah Palin was revealed Wednesday to have received a new wardrobe courtesy of the GOP. They spent nearly $200,000. It’s all going to be worth it because if she’s elected vice president, Professor Higgins wins his bet with Colonel Pickering. • The Mongols Motorcycle Club was busted by […]

Oct. 26, 2008

BEVERLY HILLS–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • The Tampa Bay Rays made the World Series after 10 miserable seasons. Last year they dropped the Devil from the Devil Rays name and went from last to first. John McCain just asked Sarah Palin to change her middle name from Lucifer to Lucinda. • Rancho Cucamonga […]

Oct. 24, 2008

OKLAHOMA CITY–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • Al-Qaeda was reported Monday to have netted $800 million dollars cash in illegal drug sales last year. Now they’re all too rich to volunteer for suicide missions. Who would have guessed that the best way to fight terrorism is to do heroin. • The USC Trojans leap-frogged […]

Oct. 23, 2008

HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • Wall Street enjoyed a normal trading pattern in the stock market for the first time in a month Monday. There was a national sigh of relief. Americans were never happier to turn on cable news and see kidnapped children as the hour’s top story. • Colin Powell endorsed […]

Oct. 22, 2008

HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • Colin Powell endorsed Barack Obama Sunday on NBC’s Meet the Press. It horrified his own party. Republicans who used to say they weren’t racist because they would vote for Colin Powell can only say now that the maid was like a second mother to them. • Sarah Palin […]

Oct. 21, 2008

HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • Joe the Plumber was hailed by Republicans Thursday for questioning Barack Obama’s tax hikes to his face last week. Reporters have since exposed him as unlicensed, behind on his taxes, and using a fake name. If Tony Romo had the same kind of protection Barack Obama gets, the […]

Oct. 20, 2008

HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody? • Jerry Jones was reported having a tough time Thursday finding a company to buy the naming rights to his new stadium. The products most associated with the Dallas Cowboys don’t need to pay for the publicity. They get mentioned in every arrest report. • Dan Quayle said Thursday […]