Sometimes I bet you sit around thinking, gee, I wonder what it will be like when the New Mexico 2112 Bicentennial Committee meets to plan the celebration of our 200 years of statehood?
I know I wonder that. I wonder that a lot. Because I am really, really bored.
Here's an advance report.
Bicentennial Committee leaders from all walks of life gathered in Upham, designated the state capital when all that Santa Fe adobe just got old and tired and crushed to the ground after 150 years of absorbing pompous, nonsensical political rhetoric.
The 2068 capital relocation was long past due. Upham has long surpassed Santa Fe as the place to go in the Land of Enchantment. Although the 2112 recently-remodeled Spaceport sadly lags in modern transportation technology, its Lightening Speed Shuttles nonetheless still adequately transport thousands of New Mexicans to far away destinations by clutching commuter Skymobiles to their bellies and releasing them to land in places like Chicago and Paris and New Jersey. Except no one really wants to go to New Jersey. Never has.
Upham, with its 2.6 million population, has become New Mexico's booming metropolis, the center of commerce, the heart of New Mexico culture. The only problem is we now have a state capital named "Upham." Also, it's hard to find a turquoise belt buckle there.
No two of the 34 members of the 2112 New Mexico Bicentennial Committee has ever met, nor will they. Each languishes in his or her hotel pod eating cheese and drinking wine, fit as slovenly Roman revelers, simply communicating through mental telepathy. (Gee, doesn't the future sound fun?)
One committee goal is to distribute event largesse throughout New Mexico to cities and towns deprived by shifting economies. Albuquerque is the neediest. With the loss of the Sunport, the university, hospitals, federal installations and industry, the city has dwindled to 234 residents, most of whom eek out an existence selling bizarre antiques at the World's Largest Flea Market located on the vast acreage of the once-thriving airport that shut down in 2052.
People from around the state descend in their Skymobiles to wander through booths and browse such ancient relic oddities as iPads, cell phones, televisions, silly-looking keyboards whose long ago use no one can figure out, and Frisbees.
Most of these junk items turn up in future Garage Sales around New Mexico except for the Frisbees, which are probably the most ingenious toy invention in three centuries and are just perfect except they are still called "Frisbees."
(Editor's note: "Garages" were drab rooms used to park something called "cars" and were also used to store tons of junk that should have been thrown away. This included "Christmas decorations" which the "official head of the household" was ordered by the "real head of the household" to haul out once a year and in so doing normally stepped on a "rake" which sprang up and gashed his "forehead" resulting in a visit to an "emergency room.")
As a way of bolstering Albuquerque tourism, the committee has designated a company called McFreddy's to lease the long defunct New Mexico Rail Runner, refurbish its passenger cars, and open up a vintage restaurant called "Billy Burgers." In addition to providing needed jobs for the area, it was hoped Billy Burger revenue might help pay off the choo-choo on which $54 million is still owed.
The Bicentennial Commission was to meet for a full week but adjourned after five days when the chairman, the official head of his household, was ordered by the real head of his household to get his sorry butt home.
So what I am saying, in 100 years, nothing much changes.
Ned Cantwell — email@example.com — has too much time on his hands.