Planet Kevin can’t come fast enough

Calling all scientists, calling all scientists: We need to travel faster than light, stat. Get on it.

On Monday, the European Southern Observatory discovered 50 new exoplanets, including one that orbits in the habitable zone of its star 36 light years away from us.

The planet may not have water — and if it did, that would be some expensive bottled water — but it’s good to see that we can someday have a new place to move.

If we master warp-speed travel, I can’t wait to claim one of these planets for my own, and call it Planet Kevin.

I’ve discussed things I’d want to do on Planet Kevin before, based loosely on a standup routine from Charlie Viracola. There were sequels, because the progress of man always inspires a few more necessary rules:

• On Planet Kevin, you won’t see a commercial where a man goes to ridiculous measures to drink beer, forsaking family, friends and financial well-being, followed by the tagline, “Drink responsibly.”

• On Planet Kevin, George Lucas must admit that he makes tiny changes to his “Star Wars” movies so he can sleep at night despite the inconvenient truth that he’s essentially duped people into buying the same movies numerous times, between three theatrical releases, laser disc, special editions, VHS releases, DVD releases, and coming Friday, Blu-Ray.

• On Planet Kevin, when you buy a DVD, you get a $1 discount for every movie trailer, public service announcement or studio ad you can’t skip or fast-forward. Sometimes, I don’t even feel like watching the movie anymore after I’m done with all the previews.

• On Planet Kevin, governments will subsidize renewable energy at the same rate it subsidizes fossil fuels. There’s no reason Germany should produce 60 times the solar energy the U.S. does, when the U.S. can capture 30 times the solar energy Germany can.

• On Planet Kevin, sitcoms must disclose in their credit sequences where they stole specific jokes.

• On Planet Kevin, if somebody recklessly speeds past you, but arrives at the same destination as you merely seconds before you arrive, there are no repercussions for chastising the other driver.

• On Planet Kevin, there will be a name for that odd feeling of emptiness when you pass a car, stop to get gas, then pass that car again when you get back on the road.

Well, there are some of my ideas. If you have any, feel free to pass them along. If we make another orbit around Planet Kevin, I’ll be sure to give you credit. And maybe with enough orbits, we’ll have mastered warp travel to get there for real.