My mind is shallow bubble bath

By Kevin Wilson: CNJ staff writer

On a weekend out of Clovis, I had a lot of time to think about things … mostly how the roadrunner pizza (pepperoni, sausage, green chili) should be featured everywhere and how commercials for a new season of “24” can always get me out of a bad mood.

Here are some equally shallow things I pondered:

• Tiger Woods has repeatedly declined police the opportunity to discuss a car accident he had in his gated community, to the point that local police dropped the investigation on Tuesday and gave him a citation for careless driving. To this, I say good for Tiger, who had no responsibility to talk to police on this incident.

I don’t even see the need for the citation. There were three things hurt — Woods, who is already out of the hospital; his car, which Woods has more than enough money to replace; and a tree in a neighbor’s yard. If Woods and his neighbor can handle the issue of the tree by themselves, there’s no need for the police to badger Woods for information or to subpoena his medical records from the hospital (something police considered doing but decided against).

I’m not sure how many man hours went to the fishing expedition on Woods, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t recouped by the $164 ticket Woods received.

• I recently stayed at a hotel that featured a whirlpool bath, and found it to be both awesome and overrated. I’d certainly take the option if available, but I’m not going to switch hotels or pay a higher rate because of it.

I also came upon an accidental discovery while testing out the whirlpool. Apparently, any body wash, with the help of a whirlpool bath, can become its own bubble bath. I haven’t been able to test this out on many varieties, but I can tell you on authority that Old Spice High Endurance body wash, plus a whirlpool bath, equals “Creepy Uncle” scented bubble bath.

• Rick Sanchez of CNN gave us a quick news story about the guy who threw a shoe at President Bush. Apparently, he got a shoe thrown at him, and the person who threw that shoe got threatened by another person. With a shoe.

Not to glorify violence or anything, but can we just stop putting people who throw shoes on the news? Let’s report when somebody gets hit with a shoe. That way, cable news won’t lazily give air time to the Republican and Democratic” strategists” who hang around the studio all day.

A conversation on a shoe hit could include Republicans and Democrats, sure, but I’d prefer sports analysts. Wouldn’t you rather have John Madden on the telestrator saying, “Boom” when the shoe hits, than the guy who ran Dennis Kucinich’s presidential campaign?

And, if this ever happens, I’d pledge my allegiance to the first network to book Mike Myers for the segment, so he can pull out his Austin Powers character and ask, “Who throws a shoe? Honestly.”