Personal ads not just for cowboys

By Glenda Price: FNM columnist

Have you noticed those advertisements on TV promising to match you up with the perfect partner?

Or those ads in the newspaper for “Men seeking women” and “Women seeking men?” The seekers have little headings (supposed to be enticing) that say things like, “Sweet thing,” Gypsy heart, Gypsy soul,” “Intellectual,” “Want to have some fun?” “Looking for love.” I promise I am not making these up.

Also, there’s a guy who finds women in other countries for lonely cowboys. He promises satisfaction — whatever that is — for the men. He’s probably really looking for a free laundress, cook and housekeeper which, come to think of it, applies to nearly all men — cowboy or citified. I didn’t see any promises made to the women, though.

So, with that in mind, I’m thinking of starting a service for country women presented in our lingo. The name of the place would be “Cowboy Wanted.com,” but since many country people don’t have computers the dot com part would be mostly just to sound good.

The site (or ad section) would open up with a Farmers’ Almanac-type deal, complete with phases of the moon, all about the tides, best vegetable planting times — things we country people understand (we think), especially the weather forecasts.

Some suggestions for the little headings describing the seekers (women) are: “Open, fancy, home-raised, very gentle.”

Or how about “Three open, registered females. Papers will be furnished.”

Or “One young pair with good baby at side, comes to cake.” (That’s feed, often made of cottonseed.)

Or “F1 tiger stripe female, short bred to birthing ease sire.” Or “Fancy white-faced female. Don’t miss this front pasture heifer.”

Or “English black white-faced heifer, bred to longhorn cross sire. Easy to handle.”

You get the idea. Now. we’re to the part about what the females are seeking.

I figure they don’t want one that jumps the fence. It’s tough when you have to retrieve your sire from the neighbor’s pasture — especially when he’s not the kind that neighbor prefers, like maybe a Corriente (means “common” in Spanish).

We women want these guys to be rock-footed. We don’t have time to mess with tenderfeet. We want them cake broke, too. They should be able to fend for themselves without needing a feed trough, and they should come when we honk the horn on the feed truck.

We’ll need to see the EPDs, of course. One cowboy told me he’d be really nervous if they started putting the tape measure to certain human parts for fertility checks. Tough. They’ve been measuring females for years, so it’s only fair.

Birth weight is always the No. 1 consideration. After all, if you don’t get live offspring, what good is the guy? Weaning weight comes up next, although the ultra fat is out — thank goodness.

We want guys able to walk miles to water, but who don’t lie around the drinking tub all day.

We might be willing to overlook the brand necessity in this case, but not the deworming.

I think business will be good.