Years ago I shared my cousin Bob’s clever business card with my readers.
It was great. He somehow found room on that small space to extoll his prowess in the following endeavors: Goats roped, bars emptied, demolition done, chile cooked, meat smoked, horses ridden, quail hunted, hay stacked, tigers tamed, pipe fitted, silhouettes shot.
If you got out of breath reading all that, he also included brain surgery, water witching and welding among other various talents.
Ever since, I’ve been hoping to watch him in action on some of these adventures — especially the tigers tamed. As for the quail hunted, maybe we should remind him that anyone can hunt something — but not everyone can actually find what they’re hunting, and more important, know what to do with it after they’ve found it.
I’ve hunted rattlesnakes all my life, just so I could get out of their way quickly. It’s amazing how fast and how far a human can jump at that unmistakable rattling sound.
I’d like to help him on the demolition done, if it’s something fairly easily demolished that I don’t like, anyway — like a chicken house. My job, as a kid, was to clean that thing. It was not pleasant.
If Bob heads my way bent on brain surgery though, I’m pulling a major runaway and taking everyone nearby with me.
Bob’s wife, Kay, has decided to take him on in the business card category. Here are some of her “services:”
Manners taught, clay pigeons thrown, shot guns shot, knives dulled, goats tied, trails ridden, barrels raced, marksmanship taught, problem solving, respect reinforced, and my personal favorite — horses whispered.
Her last entry (in bold type) is, of course, “I Don’t Do Windows.”
As for the respect-reinforced item, Kay doesn’t say who’s doing the respecting. If it’s her husband, I think he thought of it first so she may have a problem. That probably goes for the manners taught as well, unless she’s teaching the manners to the goat tied.
Goat tying is a fun rodeo event for girls. The contestant rides to the goat that is tethered to the ground in the middle of the arena, jumps off her horse, grabs the rope and goes down it to the aforementioned goat. She then lays him out and ties him with her piggin string. Actually, teaching manners to those goats might not be a bad idea.
We had one once that we’d practiced on so much that when he heard the corral gate slam shut he laid down and held up his legs. Now that’s manners!
I’m thinking about giving Bob and Kay some competition in the business card department. It could be great fun.
My card would be sure to say: Calves vaccinated, rodeo trophy buckles polished, roping catch pen gates opened — and closed — stop watches synchronized, cows drug outta the bog, hay bales broken open (not fed, just opened), horses hauled (after the whispering).
The best one, which might sell most often, is “cowboys yelled at.”
Glenda Price has been a contributing editor to New Mexico Stockman magazine since 1982. Contact her at: firstname.lastname@example.org