By Kevin Wilson: CNJ columnist
“Could you check my bag please?”
I wasn’t traveling anywhere, except to my house. But the man in the green uniform held a package of mine. I was at a fast food restaurant, getting a snack in contrast to my otherwise good judgment.
Problem was, the person in front of me inexplicably pulled out of the drive-thru before paying, and I was naturally concerned I’d get the order they for some reason declined.
He inspected the bag and told me my order was right. I said, “Guess she had an epiphany that this was not the life for her.”
He laughed and responded, “Apparently, she wasn’t loving it.”
I shook my head, smiled, told him, “I think you have one-upped me,” and drove off thinking only one thing. That guy deserves a Kevin point.
You’ve likely figured out that the Kevin point scorer was a McDonald’s employee. But it would have been a Kevin point if it was a Taco Bell employee who said, “Apparently, they’re still thinking inside the bun.” Or a Burger King employee who said, “Apparently, they wanted it somebody else’s way.”
No matter. A Kevin point is what I give in my mind to somebody who just makes the day better for me or somebody else. It originates from the “Tommy point,” something Boston Celtics announcer Tommy Heinsohn gives for a tough play.
I’m still tinkering with the system, but one of my new life goals is to build a list in my mind of what is worth a Kevin point. Here are a few:
• Somebody who does a piece of charity work without claiming it for tax purposes.
• You recognize a movie quote before somebody says the movie.
• The waiter or waitress who has another drink at your table when less than a third remains in your current glass.
• A friend who gives me a nickname, and sticks to it, no matter how ridiculous it sounds.
• Anybody who acts absurd with a pure intent to mock absurdity. I’m going mini golfing with a friend Sunday, and if she shows up in plaid pants, a cardigan and a Callaway visor, she gets at least 500 Kevin points.
The drawback is that I’m often pessimistic, and I’m finding many more activities that result in zero, or even negative, Kevin points.
• If you’re going camping and you spent more than $100 per person on supplies, you lose a Kevin point. If you need the comforts of home that bad, stay home.
• If you are in the movie theater and use your cell phone to text message somebody, you don’t get a Kevin point.
• If you are in the movie theater and use your cell phone to text message somebody who is also in the theater, you don’t get a Kevin point. For the rest of your life. No matter how you try to redeem yourself.
But I don’t want to be the final arbiter of points. I think everybody scores people already, and they just need to admit it. Sports are popular because scores are kept, and worth can be quantified. People will know where they truly stand if they’re scored by Kevin points, or Tracy points, or Bill points.
And if you don’t agree, if you’re not loving it? Well, you know what you’re not getting.
Kevin Wilson is a columnist for Freedom New Mexico. He can be contacted at 763-3431, ext. 313, or by e-mail: firstname.lastname@example.org