HOLLYWOOD – God bless America, and how’s everybody?
• J. Crew was swamped with orders for the peacoats Barack Obama’s daughters wore to the Inauguration. All the orders crashed its website. This recession will be over in a month if we can just get the girls to wear Buicks to the State of the Union.
• President Obama was cheered by throngs who waved posters of his face on Inauguration Day. He was also honored by a military parade. North Koreans were happy to see Kim Jong Il is still alive but they wondered how he became president of the United States.
• North Korean leader Kim Jong Il threatened to attack South Korea Wednesday and warned the United States to stay out or face destruction. He claims that he has missiles that can reach Los Angeles. It’s true, if he launches them from Santa Monica.
• Caroline Kennedy withdrew her name for U.S. Senator from New York Wednesday. It’s clear what happened. Senator Robert Byrd hit on her at the inauguration and she decided she doesn’t want to deal with his unwanted advances for the next 20 years.
• The National Cathedral held a prayer service for President Obama Wednesday. It aired on cable news networks. It took four centuries but with a stock market ticker running on the screen just below the pulpit, the Episcopal Church liturgy is complete.
• President Obama re-took the Oath of Office Wednesday because the Chief Justice forgot to make him say the word “faithfully.” Everyone had the same thought. If that had happened when Bill Clinton took the oath there’d have been no grounds to impeach him.
• Hillary Clinton was sworn in as Secretary of State Wednesday after she passed Senate confirmation. She took the oath with her left hand resting on the Clinton Family Bible. It took her 10 minutes to untangle her fingers from all the loopholes.
• President Obama read an Oval Office note from President Bush on Wednesday. The outgoer always leaves a note telling the incomer the one thing he learned. George Bush reminded Barack Obama not to forget, Iraqi reporters are always wearing two shoes.
• Will Ferrell’s show, You’re Welcome America: A Final Night with George W. Bush, sold out its Broadway run. The last three stage hits were about Hitler, Frankenstein and President Bush. Every season they are compelled to top themselves on the fright meter.
• The Secret Service rolled out President Obama’s new Cadillac limo Tuesday, which can withstand a direct hit from an asteroid. It’s a work in progress. They add two extra inches of armored plating every time he compares himself to Lincoln or Kennedy.
• Barack Obama opened up White House records to historians Wednesday. There are records connecting the Bush family to the BCCI bank which failed 20 years ago after loaning money to Saddam Hussein. Thank God George H.W. Bush isn’t the collection agent for Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae or he would have run out of rope three months ago.
• A Green Bay school played Barack Obama’s inauguration on the PA system Tuesday but accidentally had the radio dialed to Rush Limbaugh’s running commentary on the event. The teachers were mortified. After its success against the Soviet Union, Radio Free Europe is now trained on U.S. public schools in an attempt to overthrow communism.
• Nashville voters went to the polls Thursday to decide whether English should be the mandatory language. This could affect television programming from the country music network. If this measure passes, Hee-Haw will have to be renamed Surely You Jest.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.