HOLLYWOOD – God bless America, and how’s everybody?
• U.S. Airways pilot Sully Sullenberger was asked to attend the Inauguration after he became a national hero in New York Friday. He belonged at the inauguration of Barack Obama. This gives us one guy who walks on water and one guy who lands on it.
• Barack Obama was inaugurated president Tuesday outside the Capitol. There were three million people attending. This was the largest temporary bathroom event in world history, if you don’t count the week we knocked out all the plumbing in Baghdad.
• The Weather Channel reported bitterly cold weather in Washington D.C. during the holiday weekend extending into Inaugural Day. Nobody liked the conditions. It was so cold during the Lincoln Memorial concert Sunday that people threw shoes at Al Gore.
• The New York Post was first to report Monday that Caroline Kennedy will be New York Governor David Paterson’s choice to replace Hillary Clinton in the Senate. There wasn’t ever any doubt. Children in a bad marriage always get whatever they want.
• The Arizona Cardinals and the Pittsburgh Steelers won the right Sunday to play in the Super Bowl. These two teams play in cities that are suffering from very depressed economies. They sold out their last three home games by offering free soup.
• President Bush and Laura went to Condi Rice’s apartment at the Watergate for dinner Sunday. You can’t make it up. In case there was anybody left in America who doubted President Bush was just like Richard Nixon, his presidency is coming to an end at the Watergate.
• Joe Biden’s wife let it slip on Oprah Monday that her husband was offered both the vice presidency and Secretary of State. Hillary must be annoyed. She was the Democratic party’s second choice for president, she was Barack Obama’s second choice for Secretary of State, and she only sees her husband when she pays his speaking fees.
• Reverend Rick Warren was picketed by gay protesters on Tuesday as he delivered the invocation at the Inauguration ceremony. He’s a Southern Baptist minister who preaches the gospel of Jesus Christ to Southern Californians. Custer had better odds.
• Bill Ayers was refused entrance to Canada for a speaking gig Sunday. He is the president’s pal who was a hippie terrorist bomber in the Sixties. People today who think Paris Hilton has a crazy dating life should learn about Jane Fonda in her prime.
• President Bush commuted the sentences of two Border Patrol agents Monday. They were convicted of shooting a Mexican drug dealer in the rear end while he was trying to run away. Cutting the coke carries the same penalty on both sides of the Rio Grande.
• President Bush and Laura left the White House for Texas Tuesday without a need for moving vans. They began shipping their belongings home last year. All they had left Tuesday were the clothes on their backs, pretty much like the rest of the nation.
• Nancy Pelosi said Sunday she’s open to pursuing charges against President Bush on wiretapping and war crimes. She didn’t want to investigate him in office. He had forty thousand ICBMs under his control and she feared for the safety of San Francisco.
• Newsweek reports that the breast implant business has collapsed along with SUV sales and jumbo mortgages. It’s inter-connected in Los Angeles. It looks like we won’t need the jumbo house or the extra large car to get the breasts through the door.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.