HOLLYWOOD – God bless America, and how’s everybody?
• Osama bin Laden issued a tape Tuesday saying Americans are glad President Bush is leaving because he led us into two guerrilla wars and into financial chaos. He’s been living in a cave so long he’s forgotten something. Nobody likes an I-told-you-so.
• Cuba was favored to win the World Baseball Classic over the U.S. team Monday. It ignited a health care debate. No one knows yet if socialist health care is better than private care, we’re waiting to see who lives longer, Fidel Castro or Dick Cheney.
• Sam Bradford opted Wednesday to stay in school his senior year like Colt McCoy and Tim Tebow. The Detroit Lions have the first pick. These kids would rather do homework and play for free than play in an empty stadium before laid-off auto workers.
• Prince William’s girlfriend Kate Middleton was given her own private gym at his London residence Monday. She mustn’t turn into a flamboyant media hog who upstages the prince. Nobody’s going to buy that car-accident-in-the-tunnel story a second time.
• Caroline Kennedy’s favorability ratings among New York voters slipped Thursday as she lobbied to be appointed to the U.S. Senate. If she’s appointed, she will be seated without question. It’s not like in Illinois where you have to show the receipt.
• The White House held a security briefing for Barack Obama last week to prepare him for possible disaster or emergency. President Bush and Vice President Cheney took Obama through a doomsday scenario. They watched the evening news together.
• The New York Health Department took measures Thursday to reduce the pigeons in Central Park. The birds are better liked than stockbrokers. The difference between a pigeon and a stockbroker is that a pigeon can still make a deposit on a new Ferrari.
• The National Parks Service estimated 4 million people will be in Washington for the Inauguration. It could get ugly. Between the Inauguration and the economy there could be 4 million people on the street without food or shelter or bathrooms.
• Barack Obama selected Hollywood designer Michael Smith to redecorate the White House living quarters. He does movie star homes. His signature design touches include a reinforced shelf for awards, a wall for pictures, and a mirrored coffee table for the guests.
• Barack Obama was reported Wednesday to be thinking about moving the Guantanamo prisoners to Camp Pendleton near San Diego. We know where this is headed. A year from now the vice president will be defending the practice of boogie-boarding during interrogations.
• Joe the Plumber reported from Gaza Tuesday that reporters shouldn’t be allowed near the war zone. What a character. Joe the Plumber cost John McCain the state of Ohio in November by leaving so many toilets clogged up to go out campaigning for him.
• President Bush told Larry King Tuesday he was not interested in becoming Major League Baseball Commissioner. It’s for artistic reasons. George W. Bush is really and truly a knowledgeable expert on baseball, and it would clash with his body of work.
• Alabama’s NAACP objected to hoop-skirted girls representing Alabama Tuesday in the Inaugural parade because it symbolizes the plantation system. Too bad. According to the Fairness Doctrine you can’t honor Lincoln without giving the other side equal time.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.