BEVERLY HILLS–Merry Christmas, everybody, and God bless America.
• Barack Obama strolled the beaches in Hawaii on his vacation Tuesday. He didn’t have a chance to miss Chicago. He wasn’t in Honolulu for two days when Governor Rod Blagojevich tried to sell his beach chair to Jesse Jackson Jr. for $1 million.
• The Baydan Shoe Company of Turkey got 300,000 orders Monday for the shoes the Iraqi reporter threw at President Bush. What a response. The casting call just went out in Detroit for any man strong enough to throw a Buick at President Bush.
• Pope Benedict issued an edict from Rome on Tuesday urging the church to oppose homosexuality and gay rights. It’s completely unnecessary. If the pope wants to give the invocation at the Inaugural he doesn’t have to showcase, he just has to call.
• Tina Fey was named Entertainer of the Year on Monday over Robert Downey Jr. and Heath Ledger. A Sarah Palin impersonator beat a superhero with a drug problem and a dead Joker. Apparently the Great Depression has already begun in the entertainment industry.
• Paris Hilton’s house was burglarized of jewelry Friday, and within days a nearby model’s home and a publicist’s home were burglarized for jewelry. It’s the economy. Repo men in Hollywood dress up like burglars to allow the stars to keep their dignity.
• Lance Armstrong got rousing encouragement from Bill Clinton Tuesday as the Tour de France star resumes racing. How inspiring. He never lost a race despite career-threatening testicular problems, while Lance Armstrong has a similarly inspiring story.
• Hillary Clinton on Monday forgave herself $13 million she lent to her own campaign after forgiving her husband his many legendary indiscretions. She is so frustrated. She forgives and forgives and the media still thinks Obama is Jesus.
• The Dow Jones fell for the fifth straight day Tuesday on more bad news. It got so bad that cable business channel anchors were counseling viewers that it’s only money. Apparently the number of suicides is starting to affect their advertising rates.
• The White House released the annual gift list Monday, showing that Arab leaders gave Condi Rice hundreds of thousands of dollars in jewelry last year. Her timing was good. Now that oil is down to $35 a barrel, everybody gets candy.
• Joe Biden insisted Tuesday there’s been no inappropriate contact between Barack Obama and Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich. It’s true. The governor only delivered a pizza to Barack Obama, and there was a witness present in the office the whole time.
• Wall Streeter Bernie Madoff was under tight security in his apartment on Park Avenue Tuesday after he swindled his friends and clients out of fifty billion dollars. Police are worried someone may try to kill him. If he turns up dead, the Columbo episode would be nine-and-a-half years long just to fit in all the suspects.
• Barack Obama was photographed strolling bare-chested on the beach in Hawaii on Tuesday in swimming trunks. The Secret Service constructed a seaweed barricade one hundred yards out. They’re terrified there might be whitefish who resent his election.
• The New York Yankees reportedly signed free agent slugger Mark Teixeira to a $180 million contract on Tuesday. He ended up with the Yankees by default. The Angels refused to offer him enough money to wreck Madonna’s marriage.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.