HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody?
• Plaxico Burress was wounded when his gun accidentally went off in his waistband in a nightclub Sunday. He claimed he was carrying it to protect his jewelry. If he really wanted to protect the family jewels, he was an idiot to put a gun in his pants.
• Barack Obama was reported Monday to be buying a $30,000 diamond ring for his wife. He rides in a limo, travels with bodyguards and now he’s buying jewelry. He was sick of hearing that his administration doesn’t have enough diversity.
• The London Times reported Thursday that German troops in Afghanistan drank 2 million pints of beer last year. Allied observers confirm that the German soldiers are fat and drunk and out of shape. Like airbags in automobiles, it’s a safety measure.
• House of Saddam is an HBO mini-series beginning Sunday which previewed to rave reviews by TV drama critics. Don’t miss a minute of it. The movie follows the dictator from his early career as a CIA dupe to his final days in power as a CIA dupe.
• The New York Mets decided Tuesday to keep Citi Field as the name of their stadium, believing Citigroup will survive. They’ve got the government backing them. Forest Lawn just named its next three memorial parks after General Motors, Ford and Chrysler.
• Sarah Palin was credited by Senator Saxby Chambliss Wednesday for helping him win in Georgia by her appeal to working-class Republicans. She drew huge crowds. Just a year ago there were no working class Republicans and today there’s nothing else.
• Jeb Bush was asked by Florida Republicans Wednesday to consider running in two years for the U.S. Senate seat being vacated by the departing Mel Martinez. Don’t laugh. Jeb Bush has tremendous name recognition, and if he can overcome that, he’s in.
• Condoleezza Rice gave a Brahms piano recital for Queen Elizabeth at Buckingham Palace Monday. Everyone agreed that she played beautifully. When you are the top peace negotiator for the Bush administration you have plenty of time for piano practice.
• New York Daily News reporters were able to use a laptop computer on Tuesday to transfer the ownership of the Empire State Building into their own names and obtain all the documents they needed to get a mortgage loan on it. It was worth a try. Fraudulent lending got us into this mess and perhaps fraudulent lending can get us out.
• The National Archives released more of President Nixon’s Oval Office tapes. They reveal Don Rumsfeld warning Nixon against covert domestic spying three years before Watergate. He saw the future so clearly he put everything he owned into peanut futures.
• David Gregory reportedly was chosen to be the new permanent host of NBC’s Meet the Press. The 38-year-old was born and raised in Los Angeles. He won the California statewide spelling bee in the 70s when he correctly spelled O.D.
• The Washington D.C. City Council Thursday approved the sale of alcohol around the clock at liquor stores during Inaugural Week. Bars may stay open until five in the morning. In honor of the new president they want to make everything just like Chicago.
• President Bush wrote an apology to Jewish leaders Tuesday after his invitations to a Hanukkah ceremony had a Christmas tree on the envelope. It’s the first time he’s apologized in eight years. Ever since Barack Obama took responsibility for running the country, President Bush has been spending his afternoons watching Dr. Phil.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.