HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody?
• The Oklahoma Sooners passed Texas in the BCS Sunday for the chance to play the Alabama-Florida winner for the national title. It’s an obsession. It could be the middle of January before the entire South realizes we just elected a black president.
• NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell expressed worry Monday over reduced advertising revenue. His players are way too talented for that to happen. Plaxico Burress just became the first athlete in modern history to get wounded in a shoot-out with himself.
• New York Giants star Plaxico Burress was wounded in the leg Friday when his gun accidentally went off in his pants. He wouldn’t go to the hospital for hours. The flat-screens are so cheap at Wal-Mart that nobody wants to give up their place in line.
• Somali pirates hijacked the third huge cargo ship in a week in the Arabian Sea on Friday. It’s the most successful piracy operation in history. It’s nice to see that all the laid-off Lehman Brothers brokers were able to find work before Christmas.
• Barack Obama introduced his foreign policy team Monday. It includes Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton, Bob Gates and Marine Commandant Jim Jones. The last time anyone tried to manage this many egos, Joe Torre threw up his hands and moved to Los Angeles.
• Barack Obama’s commitment to diplomacy was music to the ears of foreign leaders in capitals around the world on Monday. The last eight years have been rough on our image. Americans never thought we’d have to pass as Germans to get out of India alive.
• The Wall Street Journal reported Friday that shopping malls in New Jersey were laying off Santa Clauses in anticipation of a slow shopping month. Santa is so out of date. This past year, the naughtier you were, the bigger your federal bailout.
• Homeland Security requested 5,000 troops Monday that they could deploy in U.S. cities whenever needed. It’s completely unconstitutional. However, once the White House nationalized the banks everyone felt they should finish it off with style.
• Sarah Palin was cheered by a huge crowd in Georgia while campaigning for GOP Senator Saxby Chambliss Monday. She said they were there to unite working-class Republicans. So the organizers had to fill up the auditorium by handing out tickets to hillbillies.
• President Bush told ABC News Monday that he was unprepared for war when he ran for president eight years ago. It was obvious to all. He knew he was in over his head after the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs assigned him to the slower reading circle.
• Bill Clinton was mentioned as a Senate replacement for his wife Saturday after she was nominated as Secretary of State. It must be true. Last night at a bar in midtown he appeared to be holding auditions for the Bill Clinton Senatorial Librarian.
• NBC News star Chris Matthews huddled with Pennsylvania Democrats about running for the Senate in two years. The timing is good. In two years Chris Matthews will be 64, and that age he can go to the Senate and be called the Young Bull, or he can try to stay on television and be fed into a turkey shredder behind Sarah Palin.
• Tom Cruise’s new movie Valkyrie, opening Christmas Day, is the true story about the World War II German combat hero who tried to assassinate Adolf Hitler. The actor desperately needs a hit. Scientologists are considered so weird in Hollywood today they have to play Nazis in order to improve their images and save their movie careers.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.