Dec. 2, 2008

HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody?

• John Daly teed off in the Australian Open Thursday. He said his alcohol demons have been cured by stem cell treatment. Billy Graham has given up giving personal interventions like he did with George W. Bush and now he’s just mailing his hair to everyone.

• Thanksgiving Day grocery sales were reported Friday to have topped last year’s sales, including a spike in Mexican food. Some traditions never change. All over America on Thanksgiving Day families sit down for dinner at the same moment, halftime.

• Australia, an epic movie starring Nicole Kidman and Huge Jackman, enjoyed a big U.S. box office last weekend. Our two countries have a very special historical relationship. Australia started out as a prison colony while America evolved into one.

• President Bush invited Jewish leaders to a Hanukkah party at the White House but the invitation had a Christmas tree on it. They’ve made worse mistakes. The invitation to their Ramadan dinner had a little picture of a Crusader on the envelope.

• Frank Langella received rave reviews for his performance as President Nixon in the new movie Nixon/Frost, which opened in New York Friday. What a role. Richard Nixon is the only president whose official portrait was done by a police sketch artist.

• The U.S. Treasury announced a $25 billion federal bailout of Citigroup Monday. Every taxpayer has just one question. Now that we are the owner of banks, insurance firms, mortgage companies and hedge funds, why do we still have to work?

• Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade down Broadway in New York City was a huge viewer favorite on Thursday. It was a great time. There were a million people lining the sidewalks and some of them even came out of their cardboard boxes to watch the parade.

• Somali pirates dropped their ransom demands against the Saudis Tuesday. The pirates don’t know what they did wrong. The supertanker contained $100 million worth of oil when it left port last month, and today the boat’s fine but the cargo’s sinking.

• Bill Clinton’s name was floated as a possible replacement for Hillary Clinton in the U.S. Senate Wednesday. The idea is to send Hillary around the world on peace missions and give Bill a dozen Senate pages. It’s a golden parachute for a sex addict.

• Whizzinator salesmen pleaded guilty in Pittsburgh on Monday. The device is a prosthetic penis filled with fake urine that helps cheaters pass drug tests. The Barry Bonds model is their best seller but the Marion Jones model is a real conversation starter.

• Barack Obama placed Ronald Reagan’s Fed chairman Paul Volcker on his economic board. He also named a Wall Street Democrat to Treasury and kept Bob Gates at Defense. He’s just a tax cut away from being the first black president of the Club for Growth.

• Barack Obama decided to re-appoint Defense Secretary Robert Gates, who served in the CIA for 20 before heading the Pentagon. His experience is invaluable. You just can’t beat having a guy on your team who’s overthrown everyone but Randy Moss.

• The Los Angeles Daily News front page on Wednesday showed a photo of a gas pump offering gasoline for under $2 a gallon in Los Angeles. All hell has broken loose on the left wing. If you think liberals are mad at Barack Obama over his Treasury appointments, you should see how angry they are over what they paid for their Priuses.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at