HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody?
• Tiger Woods lost his $7 million endorsement deal with General Motors last week. He’ll recover. Within hours the Treasury Secretary offered Tiger Woods a $25 billion bailout if he would agree to a cut in salary and no bonus.
• Thanksgiving Day had a huge spike in highway travel Thursday thanks to cheaper gasoline. It’s an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year, and then discover that once a year is way too often.
• Roger Clemens’s trainer gave his DNA to federal agents Monday who want to know if he lied to Congress about using steroids. We live in such a great country. If a black guy can get elected president maybe a white guy can go to jail on drug charges.
• Barack Obama held a fourth press conference in four days Wednesday to name his economic team and cabinet members. Concurrently, the stock market went up for the fourth straight day. Already he’s being called the best president-elect in U.S. history.
• India terrorists took U.S. citizens and British subjects hostage on Wednesday in Mumbai. Cable news anchors said the motive was a mystery. This is why both U.S. and British tourists are strictly warned not to supervise while sightseeing in India.
• The Commerce Department reported plummeting home sales Wednesday while consumer spending signaled deep recession. The mood is grim. On Thanksgiving, three people in Detroit shot their plasma TV sets during a network airing of It’s a Wonderful Life.
• AIG’s incoming Chairman Edward Liddy cut his pay to a $1 a year on Tuesday and canceled all bonuses and salary raises. He headed Allstate during Hurricane Katrina but today he ensures securities and bonds. How he longs for the good old days.
• President Bush pardoned two Thanksgiving turkeys Wednesday at the annual White House ceremony in the Rose Garden. The president has full powers of pardon. Dick Cheney’s been wearing a turkey over his head since Halloween but so far, no luck.
• Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson rolled out a program Tuesday that will make it easier to buy cars and homes and pay for it with credit cards. He lives by a simple creed. If there’s any money left in the U.S. Treasury it could cause a great depression.
• Laura Bush was reported Tuesday to be shopping her memoirs to book publishers in New York. She’s been keeping a journal about her life with President Bush. Be it recession or no recession, some women always know how to get jewelry for Christmas.
• Red China opened its first racetrack Monday, 60 years after Chairman Mao Tse-tung banned gambling as an immoral capitalist pursuit. The communists don’t have the hang of the sport quite yet. You’re not supposed to shoot the horses before the races.
• President Bush gave a speech in Kentucky Tuesday where he welcomed U.S. soldiers home from combat duty in Iraq. It shows how much everyone’s lost interest in him. He actually had to bring troops home from Iraq to fill the auditorium where he spoke.
• The Russian Navy arrived in Venezuela Thursday to conduct joint maneuvers with Hugo Chavez’s fleet in the Caribbean. It’s sad. Venezuela and Russia were much-feared oil powers just a month ago and today they’re down to trading vodka for missile bases.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.