Nov. 20, 2008

HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody?

• Barack Obama vowed on CBS’s 60 Minutes Sunday he’ll lobby for a college football playoff to replace the current computerized BCS rankings. That’s how tenacious he is. The elections’s been over for two weeks and he’s still trying to carry the South.

• The New York Stock Exchange opening bell was rung by circus clowns Friday. The clowns spent all day mingling with the brokers on the floor. The difference between a stockbroker and a clown is that little kids always cry when they see a stockbroker.

• Motor Trend magazine gave rave reviews Tuesday to GM’s new Cadillac which comes out this month. It’s got a 550 horsepower engine that can go 200 miles an hour. There is a certain appeal to going down the way Custer did.

• PBS aired a documentary called Secrets of the Bible on Monday claiming there’s no archaeological evidence that Moses or the Exodus from Egypt existed. It shows that some men will dig in the desert for four years to try to prove that God is cool with adultery. This program was made possible by a grant from the Clinton Foundation.

• Men’s Fitness published a sex survey Monday showing the vast majority of women fake orgasms for the sake of their relationships. It gets worse. The same survey says the vast majority of men fake entire relationships for the sake of their orgasms.

• Joan Rivers has a new show on TV Land in January where she knocks on the doors of strangers who live in Beverly Hills and ask them how they got so rich. Nobody answers the doors at those homes. They’re afraid it’s the sheriff coming to evict them.

• Hillary Clinton’s name was floated as a contender for the post of Secretary of State Monday. All good presidents try to bring in people who cover their weaknesses. Since Barack Obama has no weaknesses, he needs the Clintons to keep the comedians fed.

• The Pentagon was urged by 100 generals Monday to repeal the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy and allow gays to serve openly in the military. First they want to get married, then they want to run away and join the Army. That’s the usual pattern.

• Prince Charles said Sunday that when he’s King Charles II, he’ll speak out on issues of the day and influence policy. Is this a good idea? When King Charles I went this route he ended up having to sit out three games with a severely dislocated head.

• GM executives warned Monday if the Big Three automakers don’t receive a federal bailout they may all file bankruptcy. It’s bad news indeed for American drivers. The good news is, the sooner the dinosaurs die, the sooner we can drill in Michigan.

• Los Angeles suburbs got swept by wildfires Sunday that burned down hundreds of hillside homes. Evacuation was slow. Stockbrokers and investment bankers who woke up Sunday morning and saw the flames outside their windows just assumed they had died.

• The London Sun said a London woman is divorcing her husband after he digitally cheated on her in the online game, Second Life. She caught his cartoon alter-ego having sex with a pixel prostitute. Now he has to resign as the governor of Virtual New York.

• The Wall Street Journal advised investors Friday to beware of investment advisers with sure-fire schemes and use your head. If you bought a $1,000 worth of beer a year ago, the recycled cans would have netted you $200 Monday, a 20 percent return. So the best investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.