HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody?
• The White House hosted a World Economic Summit Saturday. They drew up a 37-point plan to save the world. The first point was a directive to Barack Obama to make loaves and fishes and the next 36 points were recipes for sandwiches.
• Los Angeles was swept by brushfires fanned by heat and wind Saturday. Hundreds of houses burned down. Police in Orange County are going door-to-door trying to find the Republican who asked God for help with the oversupply of homes on the market.
• Nebraska lawmakers were called into special session Saturday to re-visit the state’s Safe Haven Law. This law allows parents to abandon a child at a hospital without any legal penalty. You knew Sarah Palin was running for president in four years when she didn’t drop off her props in Omaha on her last swing through Nebraska.
• Sarah Palin was ridiculed by Democrats Friday the moment she re-surfaced at the Republican Governors Conference. They’re relentless. Liberals are determined to destroy Sarah Palin as soon as possible because they know that Nixon takes many forms.
• Hillary Clinton was named a candidate for Secretary of State Friday. She could be used better. If Barack Obama had made Hillary his vice president he could ride through Dallas with the top down and Republicans would jump in front of a bullet for him.
• Hillary Clinton flew to Chicago to discuss the Secretary of State job with the president-elect Friday. Why give up her U.S. Senate seat? As Secretary of State you serve at the pleasure of the president, and she always delegated that to the interns.
• The Secret Service refused to grant clearance Friday to the South Side Chicago barber shop where Barack Obama gets his hair cut. They say the neighborhood’s too dangerous. Whenever families there plan their budgets, they allow for stick-up money.
• President Bush said Thursday he will do all he can to facilitate the transfer of power before he leaves the White House. He will be missed by comedians. Of all the men who ever sat in the Oval Office, President Bush has no equals, only superiors.
• British Prime Minister Gordon Brown amazed the Council on Foreign Relations in New York Friday by urging a global tax cut to stimulate the economy. And he’s the Labor Party leader. Now that Republicans are safely defeated, everybody’s for tax cuts.
• Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson said Saturday the bailout will only apply to banks and thrifts and not to the long line of corporations asking for access to the rescue fund. The CEOs are putting on a good act. The shoeshine guy at the Washington D.C. airport charges $10 for a shoeshine and a $150 for a scruff-up.
• The United Auto Workers said Saturday they won’t make any concessions on wages or benefits to help the Big Three. First things first. Investors are just starting to realize that General Motors is a health care provider that makes cars on the side.
• General Motors went to Congress for bailout help on Friday. The automaker faces a tough choice as gas prices plummet. They can either make low-profit hybrid cars or high-profit SUVs, and GM executives must decide between ribs or burgers for lunch.
• Conde Nast publishers in New York canceled their famous annual Christmas Party for journalists Friday, citing cost-cutting. It’s not the real reason. The truth is they didn’t want to give the employees the new security code to get back into the building.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.