BEVERLY HILLS–God bless America, and how’s everybody?
• Sarah Palin was asked at the GOP conference in Miami Wednesday if she will run for the White House. She replied if it’s God’s will she’ll plow through that door. She is four years away from the job and already her Secret Service code name is Janet Reno.
• The National Football League slated three games on Thanksgiving Day to run one right after the other. Call it a public service. The NFL wants to do all it can to keep relatives from talking to each other while there is a carving knife on the table.
• Boston University researchers published a study Friday saying recreational cocaine use may cause early heart problems. The drug has a widely-accepted medical use. Los Angeles plastic surgeons use cocaine to solicit boob jobs on the dance floor.
• Quantum of Solace starring Daniel Craig as James Bond opened Friday in America after a record London opening. The character is evolving. He doesn’t sleep with his leading lady, but three times he asks his boss M if she ever saw Harold and Maude.
• Sotheby’s auction house on Wednesday reported plummeting demand for vintage wines, art and jewelry. It’s bad. During the last sale in New York, the auctioneer sold himself for $100 plus drinks and was lucky to get the minimum bid.
• Las Vegas hotel owner Shelly Adelson put $500 million of his own money into his Sands Hotel Wednesday to help it avoid bankruptcy. It’s amazing. At the start of the year he was the third richest man in America on the Forbes list, and after losing $60 billion in the last month he’s moved up to the second spot.
• Former Congressman Mark Foley on Wednesday blamed his misbehavior on abuse by a priest when he was a child. He said the priest told him the sex act was good for him. Priests have since cleaned up their act, however stockbrokers have rushed in to fill the void.
• Dick Cheney met Joe Biden at the vice president’s residence Thursday to discuss the transfer of power. The job has changed. The vice president used to just go overseas to attend the funerals of foreign leaders, but now he gets to decide who we hang.
• NBC News put Joe Scarborough on a seven-second delay Wednesday for swearing on his morning talk show. He’s had problems with the network before. Last month NBC News took him off the air for a week when he mentioned Barack Obama’s name without crossing himself.
• Barack Obama’s team hinted Thursday he may keep Secretary of Defense Bob Gates at his post. It makes sense now. When Barack Obama said he would pull U.S. troops out of Iraq within 30 days, we didn’t know yet that he only talks in Biblical days.
• The Barack Obama fashion line was launched by a clothing designer in Bosnia on Wednesday to capitalize on the president-elect’s popularity. Well, that’s gratitude for you. Bill Clinton personally saved Bosnia and he didn’t get so much as a shoe deal.
• Barack Obama huddled with his advisers all week and worked on picking his cabinet. He faces more problems than any incoming president in memory. Iran is testing missiles, Russia is threatening Poland, the economic crisis is getting worse each day and his mother-in-law is moving in with him.
• The Mercantile Exchange saw oil fall to $56 a barrel Wednesday as gas hit $1.50 a gallon. Suddenly there’s no interest at all in alternative fuels. Ed Begley Jr. is once again the only white guy riding on the bus in Los Angeles.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.