OKLAHOMA CITY–God bless America, and how’s everybody?
• Sarah Palin was flooded by offers from Beverly Hills talent agents Monday. She is the only stock that’s going up. We knew Barack Obama was smart, if only we had known that when he said millions of Americans cling to God and guns, it was a stock tip.
• New York Mets legend Mike Piazza signed a deal with Simon and Schuster Thursday to write his autobiography. He was some role model. Mike Piazza made the position of catcher so glamorous that today every other homeowner in the country is a squatter.
• Tampa Bay Rays star Evan Longoria was voted Rookie of the Year by the Sporting News. Florida retirees aren’t that interested in who wins Rookie of the Year. They got much more excited last year when a proctologist in Miami won the Gold Glove Award.
• Josh Brolin got rave reviews for playing the gay lover of slain San Francisco Supervisor Harvey Milk. It saved his career. He just gave a portrayal of President Bush so sympathetic and understanding that even Republicans threw popcorn at the screen.
• The New York Times was victimized by a hoax edition which hit the newsstands on Wednesday. It headlined the end of the Iraq war and President Bush’s indictment for treason. People didn’t realize it was a hoax til they saw the naked girl on Page Three.
• General Motors canceled its appearance at the Los Angeles Auto Show next week to cut costs. How bad is the company’s financial condition? General Motors said it is saving its money to go to the January auto show in Detroit, and they can walk there.
• John Edwards made his first public appearance since his sex scandal at Indiana University on Tuesday. His adulterous affair was discovered thanks to telephone tips to tabloids. John Edwards forgot when he split Hillary’s votes in Iowa and cost her the nomination that she has had the National Enquirer on speed-dial for sixteen years.
• Dick Cheney reported to the Andrews Air Force Base medical center Saturday for an emergency check-up. His heart was racing and his knees were wobbly. The doctor put him on anti-depressants and ordered him to stop opening his brokerage statements.
• Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska remained in a recount with his Democratic opponent Thursday. He was just convicted of fraud and graft in federal court. Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it may be a better idea to change the locks.
• President Bush focused attention Wednesday on raising money for his library at SMU. He missed the boat. There’s one person who would benefit from having his name engraved on the George W. Bush Library wall and Rodney Dangerfield died four years ago.
• Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson abandoned his plan Wednesday to buy back toxic bank assets. So far everything they’ve proposed has tanked the markets. Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work and then they get elected and prove it.
• President Bush said Monday he’s looking forward to Texas and enjoying his free time. All his money’s been in T-bills for eight years to avoid conflict of interest. President Bush has so arranged it that he’s the only person in America able to retire.
• The Supreme Court heard from a fringe cult Tuesday which is demanding equal space for its Seven Aphorisms next to the 10 Commandments in a city park. They should take them all down. Who can relax in a park where they have 17 rules staring at you?
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.