HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody?
• President Bush welcomed Barack Obama to the White House Monday. By all reports the two had a great meeting. For eight years President Bush told everybody that he talked to Jesus but Democrats didn’t believe it until they saw the pictures Monday.
• President Bush’s body language was under close scrutiny when he walked out of the Oval Office with Barack Obama Monday. He flinched when the next president patted him on the shoulder. President Bush didn’t react well when he read in the paper that Barack Obama plans to restore the international agreement between nouns and verbs.
• Laura Bush met Michelle Obama Monday and reportedly discussed raising children in the White House. Presidents always send their kids to private schools in Washington. If they sent them to public school, the Secret Service would be outgunned.
• The Mayflower Hotel in Washington redecorated its rooms with organic materials to please the Inaugural crowd Monday. Democrats are radical environmentalists. Even the hookers coming into town for the Inaugural will be wearing fishnet stockings made out of hemp.
• The White House handed another $40 billion to AIG Monday on top of the $700 billion bailout bill. The president’s approval rating has lately been improving. Americans are just starting to realize that we will forever be in his debt.
• The New York Post printed a detailed two-page foldout of Barack Obama’s family tree Monday. He is President Bush’s 11th cousin and Dick Cheney’s 13th cousin. That means he’s genetically predisposed to attacking Iran on his mother’s side.
• China was accused Monday of hacking the laptops of the presidential candidates during the campaign to try to learn what they know. It backfired. They hacked into Sarah Palin’s laptop and now they think that Tina Fey is one of Satan’s many disguises.
• Sarah Palin headlined a GOP fundraising banquet in Boca Raton Monday. She drew a full house. She raised $1 million for the Republican Party but once she deducts her wardrobe costs, they’ll be lucky if they can cover the cost of the dinner.
• Joe Biden was assigned the code name Celtic by the White House Secret Service detail Monday. It’s critically important that he’s protected. God gave America Joe Biden so that white comedians would have something to do for the next eight years.
• Caroline Kennedy was reportedly under consideration Monday to be U.S. Ambassador to Great Britain. Last January she endorsed Barack Obama for president over Hillary, and the Clintons couldn’t attack her. Nobody would believe she lives in a trailer park.
• John McCain made his first post-election TV appearance Tuesday on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno at NBC in Burbank. It was extremely brave of him to go to NBC. The last time this guy ventured into enemy territory it took him five years to get home again.
• Beverly Hills pawn shops reported Monday that they’re doing record business since the market crash. One pawn shop has 60 Porsches, Ferraris, and Bentleys in its lot. The paparazzi are waiting at bus stops to get photographs of stars arriving at nightclubs.
• The Mormon Temple in Los Angeles was picketed Saturday by gay protesters. They are angry over the Mormon Church’s financial support of the California ballot measure outlawing gay marriage. The Mormon Church was founded on the belief that marriage is a sacred institution between a man and all the women in his zip code.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.