HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody?
• Wall Street fell 900 points in the first two days after Barack Obama’s election. It figures. Everyone was so worried about the riot damage by Democrats if Barack Obama lost they forgot about the cost of the Republican riot if he won.
• Barack Obama held his first post-election press conference Friday. The markets were extremely sensitive to his comments. As soon as he said we only have one president at a time the Dow Jones dropped 100 points on the depressing reminder.
• Sarah Palin was accused Friday of spending a fortune on campaign clothing with the GOP credit card. They said she went wild at Neiman’s and Saks from coast to coast. She did more to keep the country out of a depression than the bailout bill did.
• Sarah Palin flew home to Alaska after being defeated for national office. She’s not the only one who’s sad. For the next 30 days, the American flag at the Comedy Store will fly at half-staff in grief over a national punchline cut down in its prime.
• Joe the Plumber said Tuesday he may run for Congress in two years. He launched a citizens’ watchdog website to keep an eye on congressional spending. You’d think if he was that big an expert on public waste he would have his plumber’s license by now.
• Arnold Schwarzenegger reacted angrily to the state budget deficit Thursday. He proposed canceling dental care for the unemployed and slashing subsidies to the elderly. The idea is to run everyone out of Los Angeles who’s too old to get a TV show.
• Oprah Winfrey went political Thursday, claiming she got racist calls during the campaign. She could be forced to leave the country. Oprah Winfrey worked so hard to elect Barack Obama and she didn’t get around to reading his tax plan until last night.
• Barack Obama named Rahm Emanuel as his chief of staff Tuesday. Rahm in Hebrew means thunder and Barack in Arabic means lightning. The prospects for Mideast peace in this administration don’t look good but the prospects for special effects are excellent.
• Barack Obama got his first intelligence briefing Thursday, telling him the real threats to America. He was a different man when he came out. He urged Americans to eat all the turkey you can this Thanksgiving because every meal could be your last.
• Barack Obama vowed Wednesday to eliminate any loopholes in U.S. law that might still allow torture. The policy needs a little cleaning up. Under the current law any U.S. agent or U.S. soldier who engages in torture could get five years in the electric chair.
• President Bush vowed Thursday to work with Barack Obama on a transition that’s orderly. If his tax cuts expire in April, people with children will owe hundreds of dollars more in taxes. The good news is a lot of new jobs in kidnapping would open up.
• President Bush teared up while giving a speech to his staff at the White House Thursday. It sounded like a farewell speech, but he’s not leaving yet. If he tries to slip away before his term is up he could be arrested for leaving the scene of a crime.
• San Francisco voters defeated a measure to rename their sewage treatment plant after President Bush Tuesday. The plant is mostly underground. It’s not that President Bush has become more popular, it’s just that they decided to name it after Dow Jones.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.