HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody?
• John McCain reportedly asked Sarah Palin on Monday to tone down her attacks on Barack Obama. It was probably a wise move. John McCain’s advisers reminded him that the last time he attacked someone it was North Vietnam and they ended up winning.
• London hosted the premiere of the new James Bond film Quantum of Solace on Saturday. In the movie, Bond drinks moderately, he respects women and he takes prisoners into custody. The English way of life is dying before our very eyes as Barack Obama nears election.
• U.S. Special Forces slipped into Syria Monday and assassinated al-Qaeda terrorist Abu Ghadiya. The mission was supervised by the vice president. Dick Cheney’s aim is improving so much he’s thinking of touring in a Wild West show after he leaves office.
• The San Francisco 49ers were reported Tuesday to be interested in hiring Condi Rice to be team president. Her job would be to outdraw the Oakland Raiders. Just once in her life she would like a job that doesn’t involve battling against terrorists.
• Swedish medical researchers published data Friday showing that drinking coffee reduces women’s breast size. Word spread fast. Henry David Thoreau could have written Walden in the quiet and solitude of any Starbucks in Los Angeles today.
• Barack Obama gave a thunderous speech in an Ohio auditorium Monday. He had the reverb turned up slightly and the bass at full volume. If you think Sarah Palin hates Tina Fey’s impression of her, you should hear how God talks about Barack Obama.
• Sarah Palin wore blue jeans Monday after Democrats made her GOP-purchased wardrobe a big issue. They will be sorry. Now that she’s wearing jeans, she’s sure to appeal to a very crucial voter demographic, male voters between 18 years old and death.
• U.S. Senator Ted Stevens could face Senate expulsion for his felony convictions Monday. It’s not likely. Only 15 senators have ever been expelled, 14 of them for backing the Confederacy and one for joining the American Bowling Congress.
• Joe Biden banned a Florida reporter from more interviews Monday for asking him if Obama’s spread-the-wealth message is Marxist. Her question left him speechless. There was a time when a feat like this would get you three pages in the Old Testament.
• Barack Obama was heard saying on a tape that surfaced Monday that it was tragic the civil rights movement didn’t achieve economic redistribution. There’s increasing evidence he is a socialist. A photo just surfaced of Jane Fonda sitting on his cannon.
• The Taliban reported territorial gains in Afghanistan Friday along with $80 million in poppy sales. You can’t drink, do drugs, or have extramarital sex under the rules of the Taliban. Their goal is to establish the Republic of Rehabistan.
• The White House began funneling $125 billion into nine major banks Monday to begin its rescue plan. The market has dropped 3,000 points since the plan was announced. It’s the same old story, the White House thought the U.S. Treasury Department would be greeted as liberators by Wall Street.
• Reno, Nevada, hosted a convention of psychics who predicted that the nation’s economy will begin to recover this spring. It says a lot. Business is so bad in Nevada casino hotels that they will allow people who can see through the backs of cards to hold their conventions there, just for the tip money on the free drinks.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.