HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody?
• Sarah Palin faced questions Friday about the $150,000 wardrobe Republicans bought her. She has no idea of costs. Anything they bring to her to wear, she just assumes it’s the skin of whatever they had for dinner last night.
• Los Angeles firefighters had to put out fires in Sepulveda Pass in Los Angeles Wednesday. The pass has Brentwood on one side and Bel-Air on the other. Police were mystified over why there was such a lengthy delay between O.J.’s conviction and the riot.
• Jose Canseco said Friday he was sorry for exposing steroid use by Major League Baseball players. He said he told the truth but he’s sorry he did. Until this past financial crisis he had no idea that America’s pastime was looking the other way.
• Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo said Monday his broken right pinky finger will keep him off the playing field on Sunday. The injury shouldn’t be minimized. The last thing the executioner said to Marie Antoinette was to watch her fingers.
• The White House detailed plans Thursday to host a World Economic Summit in the middle of November. It’s a real chance to showcase. The American business leaders who will attend the meetings have been coached to sit up straight and look profitable.
• House Republicans denied blame for the Wall Street collapse Friday while House Democrats denied blame for Fannie Mae backing risky home loans. Denial of blame is a grand old tradition on Capitol Hill. Congress hasn’t admitted anything since Hawaii.
• Warren Buffett chaired a women’s economic forum in Long Beach Tuesday. He said he plans to give away his entire fortune to charity and not to his children. Peter Falk is really tired of playing Columbo but the scripts keep writing themselves.
• Iranian military officials said Wednesday they’ve advised Iran’s government to launch a pre-emptive strike on London. That explains one thing. The reason there were no Iranians on the Starship Enterprise is because Star Trek is set in the future.
• Barack Obama insisted Thursday his tax plan won’t punish those who get rich off their own skills, talent and drive. He left out people who inherit their wealth. The Kennedys are so used to being shot it must be a nice change of pace to be stabbed.
• Barack Obama arrived in Hawaii Thursday to see his ailing grandmother. Earlier he said he had to rush off to see her, but then he criss-crossed the country for four days on the way. He used so much fuel to fly there and back that it halted the drop in world oil prices.
• Barack Obama negotiated with Chicago Mayor Richard Daley last week over who would foot the bill for his victory party in Grant Park. He’s always confident. Barack Obama’s family crest in Kenya shows a farmer putting the cart before the horse.
• French president Nicolas Sarkozy reported Thursday his bank account was hacked and his money was stolen. He had no choice but to bank the money. If a Frenchmen puts all his money in his mattress any one of five women per day could be the culprit.
• The White House couldn’t answer Friday how deeply America will be in debt from the Wall Street bailout. You have to add the cost of Iraq and Katrina. It turns out that missing the warning signs of the 9/11 attack was the Bush administration’s finest hour.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.