HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody?
• Sarah Palin was revealed Wednesday to have received a new wardrobe courtesy of the GOP. They spent nearly $200,000. It’s all going to be worth it because if she’s elected vice president, Professor Higgins wins his bet with Colonel Pickering.
• The Mongols Motorcycle Club was busted by federal agents in California Tuesday on racketeering charges. It’s a Latino motorcycle club formed when Hells Angels refused to allow Hispanics to join. When will both sides learn that meth has no color.
• President Bush called a Global Economic Summit in Washington in November. It’s to address the worldwide credit crisis. There hasn’t been a terrorist bombing on U.S. soil since the World Trade Center attacks and he’s tired of not getting any credit.
• The Cleveland Browns suspended star Kellen Winslow for revealing he had a staph infection. Why is management upset? You’d think an outbreak of contagious skin bacteria would make the other team give your quarterback plenty of room in the pocket.
• Barack Obama met in Richmond Wednesday with all his foreign policy advisors to discuss possible future crises. They had a heated discussion behind closed doors. His advisors can’t agree on what to blame on President Clinton, what to blame on President Bush and what to blame on a 400 years of Anglo-American imperialism.
• The Associated Press poll showed Wednesday that the presidential race has tightened dramatically in the final weeks. The poll says John McCain is rapidly gaining support from whites. This year’s October Surprise could be the ending you expected all along.
• The University of Nebraska canceled Bill Ayers’ campus appearance Monday. What a crying shame. Nebraska’s storied football program has been down lately and right now they are willing to take a look at anybody who can throw the bomb and defeat Army.
• The Los Angeles City Council was urged Friday to end new oil drilling for fear of earthquakes. Recent events have been a test for Californians’ love of the planet. When gasoline went above $4 per gallon, we tried to kill it with an ice pick.
• Utah television stations displayed 20,000 marijuana plants Wednesday found by hunters walking in the mountains above St. George. The story has a happy ending. They were out hunting for a recession-proof small business and they found one.
• Alaska’s U.S. Senator Ted Stevens faced a jury’s judgment on corruption charges Tuesday. They all face a tough choice. Honest senators sleep a lot better at night than crooked senators but the crooked senators have a lot more fun when they’re awake.
• O.J. Simpson’s defense lawyer announced Monday he will appeal his conviction for armed robbery and kidnapping in a Las Vegas hotel. O.J. is terrified of the possible sentence. On the Clark County courthouse lawn there is a statue of Bugsy the Lawgiver.
• President Bush hosted a conference Monday and pointed to the signs of progress in Iraq. We’re almost there. Once we get the plumbing and electricity working, the oil agreement signed and the missionaries deployed, the place could be a real hellhole.
• The National Review surveyed media stories about Sarah Palin Thursday and said she’s the most-criticized candidate since Dan Quayle. The office of the vice president has changed. It used to be the least powerful position in Washington, and today he’s the head of the global organization that’s trying to capture James Bond.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.