BEVERLY HILLS–God bless America, and how’s everybody?
• The Tampa Bay Rays made the World Series after 10 miserable seasons. Last year they dropped the Devil from the Devil Rays name and went from last to first. John McCain just asked Sarah Palin to change her middle name from Lucifer to Lucinda.
• Rancho Cucamonga erupted in brushfires Wednesday when Santa Ana winds and high temperatures roasted Southern California. One hundred homes had to be evacuated. When God decides to foreclose, no amount of government pressure can talk him out of it.
• Britney Spears had all charges of driving without a license dismissed Tuesday in Los Angeles County court. Her jury deadlocked. John McCain just told Osama bin Laden he will guarantee him an L.A. jury if he will turn himself in before the election.
• Victoria’s Secret Fall Fashion Show will be taped this week in Miami for a December airing. One model will be wearing a bra encrusted with $5 million in jewels. They don’t realize that $2.5 million a boob is a violation of campaign finance laws.
• John McCain slammed Barack Obama’s tax plan as socialism Wednesday. He said we didn’t become the greatest country in the world by redistributing wealth. We did it by discovering gold and oil on land guarded by plenty of ocean and way too few Indians.
• Barack Obama’s campaign began selling camera positions to the media Wednesday for his election night victory party in Chicago’s Grant Park. The more you pay, the better your position. Heidi Fleiss is managing all media operations for the Democrats.
• The FBI warned Wednesday that white powder is being mailed to banks across the heartland. There may be a simple explanation. The dollar is disintegrating so fast that by the time the banks open the deposit envelopes, there’s nothing in them but dust.
• Michael Vick pleaded out to dogfighting charges Tuesday so he can qualify for a halfway house. He’s welcome in Beverly Hills. We’re losing so many dogs to coyote attacks that suddenly teaching dogs how to fight is the humanitarian thing to do.
• Iran’s economy was reported Tuesday to be in deep financial trouble because of the drop in oil prices. All the oil states are in deep trouble. Oklahoma would have beaten Texas last week except they got stopped by a margin call at the goal line.
• U.S. Commander in Iraq General Ray Odierno said Tuesday that Iraq was improving but remains dangerously fragile. We haven’t made as much progress as we hoped. The CIA just told President Bush that only a brutal dictator could hold Iraq together.
• House Speaker Nancy Pelosi vowed Monday to follow the Wall Street bailout with rebate checks for all. Don’t even ask about the deficit. The Kansas School Board just voted to change their civics books to read that good government is just a theory.
• San Francisco votes on Election Day whether to legalize prostitution. The city has already decriminalized pot, sanctioned after-hours bars and allowed gay marriage. San Franciscans weren’t kidding when they made up their minds to be a work-free drug place.
• Colin Powell shrugged off GOP criticism Tuesday for endorsing Barack Obama for president. His allegiances are fluid. Colin Powell was let go by President Bush after they caught him pouring the Kool-Aid into a potted plant instead of drinking it.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.