BEVERLY HILLS–God bless America, and how’s everybody?
• Acorn workers fraudulently registered Mickey Mouse as a Democratic voter last week in Florida. It’s just crazy. There’s so much fraud in voter registration that five guys on Wall Street are thinking about securitizing it and selling it to German banks.
• Barack Obama was revealed to have been a trainer for Acorn voter registrars in the 90s. However, he didn’t train people to register cartoon characters. With the Clintons on the ballot, he was training them to vote for cartoon characters.
• Sarah Palin told voters in North Carolina Thursday that God has richly blessed America with oil and gas and wind and water and thermal heat and vegetation. She said we should use it all. Who knew that God created America from a Mexican cookbook?
• Josh Brolin won rave reviews for his portrayal of President Bush in Oliver Stone’s movie, W. Critics say he captures the president’s swagger, he captures the president’s stubbornness, and he captures the president’s cowboy charm. The portrayal’s so realistic he captures everything but Osama bin Laden.
• The Treasury Department bought a huge share of nine major banks last week. The government once took over the Mustang Ranch in Nevada, and the place went bankrupt. No one should be allowed to run a bank if they can’t make money selling hookers and alcohol.
• Cindy McCain’s childhood home in Phoenix will be auctioned next week by a real estate investor who bought it two years ago. The mansion has 13 bedrooms and a dozen bathrooms. When the family business is beer you need a bathroom every four feet.
• California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger declared a state of emergency Monday as brushfires raged through the suburbs of Los Angeles. He couldn’t get outside in front of the cameras fast enough. Orange light makes actors look 10 years younger.
• John Daly announced plans Friday to play on the European Tour next year to get his game together. It needs help. When he last played at Pebble Beach he drove into the water twice, and that was just looking for the turn-off on Pacific Coast Highway.
• President Bush’s niece Lauren Bush introduced the Lauren Pierce brand of clothing Monday. The supermodel used her grandma’s maiden name. The president has so ruined the family name, the next Bible translation will have Moses talking to a burning sheep.
• Dick Cheney appeared by video phone at an Illinois campaign event for a GOP congressional candidate Wednesday. The vice president has an open relationship with the American people. He opens your e-mail, he opens your bank statement and he opens your phone records.
• Congressman Tim Mahoney of Palm Beach was accused of paying off a mistress on his House staff to avoid sexual harassment charges. He replaced Congressman Mark Foley, who resigned over a gay sex scandal. That’s offsetting penalties, repeat the down.
• Ford Motors executives scrambled for answers Tuesday in the wake of record low car sales in September. Last year the Ford chairman was awarded $6 million in Ford company stock. He could sue the company for paying less than the minimum wage.
• Barack Obama was confronted Tuesday about serving on an education board in Chicago with 1960s antiwar terrorist Bill Ayers. It was a valuable association for Obama last year, when the country was anti-Iraq war. But now that the country is anti-bank, he’s sorry he didn’t serve on a board with Patty Hearst.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.