BEVERLY HILLS–God bless America, and how’s everybody?
• The White House took North Korea off the terrorism watch list Friday. They are relatively harmless. This year’s premiere episode of 24 has a suitcase nuclear bomb detonating in Times Square and doing less damage than President Bush has done.
• President Bush revealed plans to nationalize the banks Thursday as Wall Street plummeted. He’s taking years off our lives. This administration will go down in history as the only one that began and ended with bond traders jumping out of windows.
• Saturday Night Live alum Al Franken took the lead in the polls Thursday in the Minnesota U.S. Senate race. The comedian had no choice but to run for high office. He doesn’t look enough like Sarah Palin to get his old job back on Saturday Night Live.
• Paris Hilton told Harper’s Bazaar Friday that Sarah Palin should wear low-cut blouses and tight skirts. Consider the source. Last week a woman in Beverly Hills told her plastic surgeon to make her just like Paris Hilton, so he gave her a lobotomy.
• Virgin Airlines refused a $1 million offer from a movie producer Monday to shoot a porno film on their space flights. He wanted to film the first porno movie ever shot in zero gravity. It could revitalize the career of a lot of older actresses.
• O.J. Simpson went to jail Friday after his conviction for the hotel room robbery at the Palace Station in Las Vegas last year. O.J. had no idea that everything in the hotel room was being recorded. Some guys still live in a pre-Sept. 11 world.
• Oliver Stone’s movie about the life of President Bush opens in theaters Friday and highlights his embattled family relationships. He’s always been more warlike than he was romantic. The evening he proposed to Laura he gave her a conflict diamond.
• President Bush met with Group of Seven nations finance ministers to try to end the liquidity crisis. He’s clearly in way over his head. The president never should have let his brother Neil talk him into taking that teaser-rate loan to move into Iraq.
• Barack Obama admitted knowing 60s terrorist Bill Ayers Thursday. He headed the radical group Weathermen. John McCain’s campaign is taping the Weather Channel night and day trying to find some current footage of Bill Ayers blowing something up.
• Barack Obama denied any terrorist ties to Bill Ayers on ABC News Wednesday. He may have other skeletons in that area. According to Nevada’s voter registration rolls, Fidel Castro and Osama bin Laden have already voted for him by mail in Las Vegas.
• John McCain admitted that young voters know little about the Vietnam War which defines his biography. They can’t seem to grasp that the U.S. might have been in a war that wasn’t fought over oil. They just assume that cars in the 60s ran on rice.
• John McCain and Barack Obama argued over who offered the best health care plan Thursday. It’s increasingly become a religious issue. More and more Americans are becoming Christian Scientist because it has the only health care plan they can afford.
• Galveston residents began rebuilding Tuesday in the aftermath of Hurricane Ike’s destruction. The bad news is, many people went four weeks with no electricity and no television. The good news is, they got to generate their own sex and violence.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.