HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody?
• Bill Clinton said Wednesday he’ll campaign for Barack Obama in the South after the Jewish holidays. Is he kidding? It’s been so long since Bill Clinton lived in the South he has forgotten that the only religion that matters is college football.
• The USC Trojans were upset by Oregon State Thursday and lost their top football ranking. It wasn’t their week. The team’s slush fund at Washington Mutual has more than $100,000 in it and they’re waiting to find out if it’s insured.
• President Bush discussed his Wall Street bailout plan with Gordon Brown at the White House. His advice was welcomed. Gordon Brown’s been a socialist all his life but President Bush has only been one for a week, and he needed some help on his swing.
• The White House pressed its $700 billion bailout plan for Wall Street all weekend. That’s money we may never see again. As a concession to House Republicans they’ve agreed to transfer the nation’s financial center from Wall Street to Flushing.
• The U.S. Mint was forced to halt the sale of their American Buffalo and American Indian gold coin Friday due to overwhelming investor demand. That’s how shaky the financial markets have gotten. People think the buffalo and the Indian look safe.
• Republicans complained Saturday that Democrats loaded up the bailout plan with unrelated add-ons. They object to more union participation. They don’t realize the financial markets aren’t moving because the Brink’s truck drivers are on a donut break.
• Democrats added poison-pill language to the bailout bill on Friday. They tried to route profits from the eventual sale of the securities to La Raza and a public housing group. Republicans would rather let the market crash and do the time for bank robbery.
• Iran’s president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in New York Friday dodged questions about women’s rights in Iran. We’re on two separate planets. In Iran, if women commit adultery they’ll get stoned, while in Los Angeles women get stoned and commit adultery.
• The Internal Revenue Service was challenged by a group of evangelical pastors Sunday who said they have every right to endorse a presidential candidate from their pulpits. It was a tough call for these ministers to make. They split 50-50 between the GOP candidate who is evangelical and the Democratic candidate who’s Jesus.
• John McCain spent Saturday on the phone at his Virginia headquarters checking on the progress of the bailout bill. He prefers his office phone. When you’ve had melanoma four times on the side of your head you might be a little afraid to use your cell phone.
• Governor Sarah Palin began preparing Saturday for Thursday’s vice presidential debate against Senator Joe Biden at Washington University in St. Louis. She has no intention of coming in second. This time she’s going to wear a two-piece swimsuit.
• Ohio corn farmer Duke Wheeler carved a 16-acre portrait of Gov. Sarah Palin on his corn farm Thursday and began charging visitors $8 admission. That’s absolutely heartless. If corn farmers are going to milk the taxpayers for ethanol subsidies, they should at least grant us free admission to their theme parks.
• Albert Einstein’s telescope was put on display this week after being discovered in a Jerusalem storage shed. It’s old, but it can still see Jupiter’s moons. Sadly, he died before he could invent one that could see a financial crisis coming down Fifth Avenue.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.