BEVERLY HILLS–God bless America, and how’s everybody?
• President Bush invited leaders of Congress to the White House Thursday to sell them on his Wall Street bailout. Things look dire. The president warned them that if they don’t pass this bill Saddam Hussein will have nuclear weapons within the year.
• Wall Street was flooded with street protesters Thursday over the $700 billion bailout. It’s not popular. So far only two groups are in favor of the bailout, bankers who would get all the bad mortgages off their books and unicorns.
• President Bush’s meeting with Republican and Democratic congressional leaders ended in confusion and rancor over the bailout plan Thursday. Sports fans loved it. This is the World Series of blame-shifting and every one of these people is Babe Ruth.
• President Bush was reported glum after pitching his bailout plan to leaders of Congress. At meeting’s end he said that this sucker could go down. It’s a White House superstition that you have to flatter Monica Lewinsky to goose the stock market.
• Congress was flooded by angry calls from taxpayers Friday over the Wall Street bailout plan. You can smell the fear in the air. Every one of those congressmen was redistricted into a safe seat and they just found out that seat is on the Titanic.
• Dick Cheney tried to sell the bailout plan to GOP congressional leaders Tuesday at the Capitol. They yelled at him and ran him out. Dick Cheney finds himself in the terrifying position of being a lame duck just a month before hunting season starts.
• Sarah Palin was propositioned by the presidents of Afghanistan and Pakistan on television Tuesday. At last, a plan. We sue them for sexual harassment, we attach their wages, then we pay for the Wall Street bailout with the next two poppy harvests.
• Anheuser-Busch sponsored a bill to allow more marketing giveaways in California for flavored malt liquors. They’re colorful and appeal to young people. The newest drink is called Autumn Leaf because after one sip you turn red and fall to the ground.
• Boston University’s medical school said Thursday that 16 NFL players will donate their brains to a study of concussions. It’s as dangerous on the sideline as it is on the field. President Bush was a cheerleader at Andover and look at the damage.
• George Michael was arrested for smoking crack in a men’s room Friday. He was once arrested for lewd conduct in a men’s room. That ad for the prescription drug that keeps men from frequently going to the men’s room may not have a handle on the problem.
• Congressman Alcee Hastings warned a Jewish group in Florida about Sarah Palin Thursday. He said anyone who totes guns and strips moose doesn’t care what they do to blacks and Jews. Every campaign starts out with a promise by both sides to be civil and by October second-graders are asking their parents why everybody’s name is Hitler.
• California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger signed a bill in Sacramento Thursday which outlaws text messaging while operating a moving vehicle. Texting is not to blame for the train wreck last week. President Bush doesn’t even have a BlackBerry.
• Ways and Means Chairman Charlie Rangel was investigated Wednesday by the House Ethics Committee. He’s got four apartments in New York under rent control. Any guy who writes the nation’s tax laws is accustomed to asking for everything in quadruplicate.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.