BEVERLY HILLS–God bless America, and how’s everybody?
• Yankee Stadium will host its final New York Yankees game tonight. The stadium will be demolished next month. The team gave the demolition contract to an investment bank that promised they could do the job faster and louder and with government money.
• Speaker Nancy Pelosi insisted last week that Democrats bear no responsibility for the Wall Street debacle. However, it was pressure by Democrats in Congress for affordable housing that created all the bad mortgages in the first place. Republicans can be accused of a lot of sins, but demanding nice homes for everybody isn’t one of them.
• Lindsay Lohan wrote an editorial on her website last week ripping the Sarah Palin candidacy. She’s had a change of heart. Lindsay Lohan was all for Sarah Palin at first, but then someone explained to her that the white powder in the photo was Alaska.
• The National Enquirer reported Thursday that Sarah Palin’s teenagers are known in Alaska for casual sex, drug use and underage drinking. The paper is just being sexist. Sarah Palin is living proof that a woman can do it all, and so can her kids.
• General Motors unveiled its Chevy Volt Tuesday, which runs on lithium batteries and a gas engine. It will be in showrooms in 2010. The car is neither front-wheel drive nor is it rear-wheel drive, it moves forward under the power of a federal bailout.
• Syrian terrorist Omar Bakri targeted Paul McCartney for a suicide bombing if he performs in Israel next week. The sheikh got no volunteers. That’s a martyr’s death, and 72 virgins haven’t come to a Paul McCartney concert since the pill was invented.
• Saturday Night Live last weekend opened with Tina Fey doing a funny impression of Sarah Palin. Two days later the candidate drew the biggest crowd of her life. Exxon Mobil just offered Tina Fey a fortune to do an impression of light sweet crude.
• Barack Obama went to a fundraiser in Beverly Hills Tuesday where Barbra Streisand sang. The McCain campaign was wrong to rip Obama for being with Barbra Streisand instead of Americans who are suffering economically. They had no idea she’s a day trader.
• Lehman Brothers went bankrupt Monday as employees cursed CEO Richard Fuld for refusing a $6 billion dollar private bailout last month. He took a 150-year-old Wall Street institution and disintegrated it. Now he’s on the no-fly list.
• Saudi Arabian Sheik Muhammad Munajid declared on Tuesday that Mickey Mouse must die. He said under Islamic law, mice are impure. Disneyland is just grateful to be facing threats from religious extremists who are upset about something besides Gay Days.
• Sotheby’s in London sold works by shock artist Damien Hirst on Monday. He made $18 million dollars off a dead calf he pickled in formaldehyde and gilded with 18-carat gold hoofs and horns. For the way Damien Hirst can create wealth out of garbage he was immediately offered the job as Chairman of the New York Stock Exchange.
• Laura Bush made the cover of Harper’s Bazaar this month in which she poses on the White House lawn in a red formal gown. She’s shown holding two dogs on a leash. No one’s surprised she got her husband to pose like that but Dick Cheney usually carries a gun.
• John McCain blasted Wall Street in a speech to a cheering audience Tuesday in Ohio. The senator reminded the crowd that he’s stood up to Republicans in the White House, he’s battled the Democrats in Congress and he’s defied the establishment on Wall Street. Ever since John McCain came back from Vietnam he sees enemies everywhere.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.