BEVERLY HILLS–God bless America, and how’s everybody?
• Sarah Palin flew home to Alaska Wednesday before she flies back to rejoin John McCain this week. It’s a lot of time in the air. Everyone’s searching the web for any video of Barack Obama saying John McCain will be an agent of change when pigs fly.
• ABC News anchor Charlie Gibson asked Sarah Palin Thursday if she’s qualified to be vice president. For goodness sake, the job only has two responsibilities. All you have to do is break ties in the Senate and run a covert military operation in three countries.
• Sarah Palin told ABC News on Friday she didn’t blink when John McCain asked her to run with him three weeks ago. Talk about decisive. She accepted instantly, she didn’t blink, she didn’t hesitate, she didn’t ask any of her kids if they were pregnant.
• Forbes Magazine said the Dallas Cowboys are worth $1.5 billion to Jerry Jones. He bought the team 20 years ago for $200 million. Jerry Jones can only wonder how rich he would be today if he’d stayed in the oil and gas business.
• Lehman Brothers put itself up for sale Friday when its stock crashed. They say if they don’t get a bailout it could cause a meltdown in the financial markets. The Treasury Department hears this so often they think it’s a Nigerian scam e-mail.
• Hurricane Ike headed for the Texas coastline Thursday as Galveston awaited the brunt. The city just built a 17-foot-high seawall. They had to do something to keep our construction workers from going home until the housing market can rebound.
• President Bush dedicated the 9/11 attack memorial at the Pentagon on Thursday. It includes a lighted park with benches and a reflecting pool honoring the victims. Even O.J. Simpson wonders why Saudi Arabia is still walking around a free man.
• O.J. Simpson jurors were ordered Thursday to stay away from the cable news reporters ringing the courthouse. Their presence was nostalgic. It harkens back to a more innocent era when cable news gave equal time to people who haven’t abducted children.
• The Philadelphia News ran an editorial Thursday predicting race riots with angry black people in the streets if Barack Obama is defeated. It may not be that bad. Since Barack Obama’s half-black, the rioting will be limited to one side of the street.
• Barack Obama was asked Friday if he wished Hillary Clinton was his running mate in the wake of the Sarah Palin mania. He should have passed up Hillary for another woman. Bill Clinton did that all the time and enjoyed eight years in the White House.
• The Interior Department had a sex-in-the-workplace scandal Wednesday at the Denver office where billions in U.S. oil royalties are collected. It clearly refutes the tale that oil drilling’s bad for wildlife. Sarah Palin has killed more Caribou than Exxon Mobil.
• White House spokeswoman Dana Perino said Wednesday the U.S. hasn’t caught Osama bin Laden yet because the president doesn’t have Hollywood-style superpowers. It only stands to reason. Superman would never pick Lex Luthor to be his vice president.
• Joe Biden said Thursday Hillary Clinton would have been a better pick for vice president. He’s right. Hillary would vote and break the Senate tie, while Joe Biden would bewail the loss of the tie factory to China, the impoverished plight of the tie seamstress, and the destruction of silkworm habitat during the Bush administration.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.