Sept. 7, 2008

BEVERLY HILLS–God bless America, and how’s everybody?

• Cindy McCain addressed the GOP convention Thursday wearing three-carat diamond earrings and a $20,000 outfit. Talk about uptown. You knew there’d be a backlash against Sarah Palin, but everybody thought it would come from the Democrats.

• Sarah Palin was a huge hit at the GOP convention Wednesday. Now comes the real challenge. She has a five-month old baby, a grandchild on the way and a 72-year old running mate. How many diapers a day can one woman be expected to change?

• Barack Obama was tied up by Rudy Giuliani then beaten by Sarah Palin Wednesday, then the next day he was questioned by Bill O’Reilly on Fox News. This is all backwards. As Moses he’s supposed to lead his people out of bondage, not back to the bondage parlor.

• Hurricane Ike crossed the ocean at Category Three strength Thursday and veered toward South Florida. That’s where the Democrats are. This explains why so many GOP convention delegates were shown on television Thursday wearing I Like Ike buttons.

• John McCain accepted the Republican Party nomination for president on Thursday in St. Paul. He gave a moving and patriotic speech. He made everybody feel so proud to be an American that for three hours Henry Kissinger was speaking without an accent.

• The Republican Party convention in St. Paul was attended Thursday by Jon Voight and Pat Boone. They were the only stars there, but they looked great. A taxidermist in Beverly Hills did them both for free before the convention just for the publicity.

• Sarah Palin went onstage at the GOP convention Wednesday as people wondered what she’d say during the speech with the media frenzy surrounding her. Everybody was on the lookout for leaks. Nobody really believes she’s breast-feeding that infant.

• Sarah Palin introduced her husband to the GOP convention Wednesday as her high school love. He’s a hard-hat member of the Steelworkers Union, a volunteer fireman, and he is part-Indian. Some family values ticket, she’s married to the Village People.

• Sarah Palin’s dual Catholic and Protestant baptisms were unearthed Thursday as the media dug into her infancy. Reporters are crawling over Alaska’s tundra with magnifying glasses looking for anything. If O.J. Simpson had been investigated this thoroughly his lawyers would be arguing today that lethal injection’s too good for him.

• Dick Cheney visited Georgia on Thursday where he rattled the saber at Vladimir Putin. He said what Russia did in Georgia is illegitimate. Vladimir Putin said they are high school sweethearts and they’re going to get married right after the election.

• Dick Cheney was in Georgia on Friday where he insisted the U.S. wants to invite Georgia to join NATO. That would mean any attack on Georgia would be treated just like an attack on America. Georgians will be sorry when they see the lines at their airports.

• Bob Woodward releases another book on President Bush and his decision to go to war entitled The War Within next week. It’s quite the psychodrama. For five years President Bush waged a bitter war with reality and after a tough fight, he finally won.

• CBS News reporter Lara Logan said Thursday she had two American lovers in Iraq while she covered the war. She’s marrying the one who got her pregnant. She could not cover the GOP convention without getting a standing ovation everywhere she walked.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at