HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody?
• Hurricane Gustav weakened as it made landfall Monday, saving New Orleans. Thank goodness the levees held. The water broke through in some places, but that was just Sarah Palin and her daughters obeying God’s command to be fruitful and multiply.
• Charles Barkley announced Tuesday he will have a routine colonoscopy next week and have the procedure televised. They’ll use a tiny camera mounted on the front tip of the probe as it travels up his intestine. He’s being vetted for vice president.
• Sarah Palin addressed the GOP convention Wednesday. She’s pro-life and pro-gun and has a very original way to protect America’s borders. Until now no one thought of defeating illegal immigration by boosting the Republican birth rate above Mexico’s.
• Sarah Palin was ripped by Democrats Tuesday for flying pregnant and for having a baby and still working. They also called her bloodthirsty for being a hunter. After Bill Clinton addressed the governors’ convention he told her he’s game, so she shot him.
• Sarah Palin’s daughter Bristol was revealed Monday to be pregnant by her high school boyfriend. He brags on MySpace about being a redneck. It’s the first time anyone’s ever thought there’s a fine line between Romeo and Juliet and the Jerry Springer Show.
• President Bush issued a statement Tuesday saying Sarah Palin’s family problems are a private matter. He must be so relieved. Who would have thought a year ago that his biggest failure as president would be his abstinence education program.
• Sarah Palin reportedly attended Alaska’s Independence Party convention fourteen years ago. They stand for secession from the United States. Her nomination is the most original way for Republicans to carry the South since Nixon opposed forced busing.
• Lindsay Lohan wrote Tuesday that people are focusing too much on Sarah Palin’s family and not enough on her views. Paris Hilton recently detailed the best energy plan by far. Who’d have ever thought our nation’s best think tank is Beverly Hills AA.
• President Bush addressed the GOP convention briefly via satellite Tuesday from the White House. The president was placed on a seven-second delay. They wanted to be able to pull the plug in case he said John McCain will continue his legacy.
• President Bush was heartily applauded when he was introduced to the convention Monday. He said John McCain is an independent man who thinks for himself. In the Bush administration those are the two traits that create probable cause for a wiretap.
• Barack Obama said Tuesday he’s got more executive experience than Sarah Palin because his campaign staff is so large. He’s relaxing in Chicago where he said he might take in a Cubs game at Wrigley Field. Sometimes he enjoys working smaller rooms.
• Hurricane Gustav veered into central Louisiana, knocking out power but not much more Monday. Many are upset. Gustav wasn’t as strong as Katrina and Gustav didn’t have the impact of Katrina, but Gustav still makes twice as much in salary as Katrina.
• New York’s Mercantile Exchange saw oil prices drop to a five-month low Tuesday after the hurricane spared the gulf rigs. High oil prices are giving way to new concerns. Boone Pickens has been asked to scrap his energy independence plan for America and try to think of a way to make birth control pills taste like French fries.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.