BEVERLY HILLS–God bless America, and how’s everybody?
• President Bush went to CIA headquarters in Virginia Thursday to get a briefing on the situation in Georgia from CIA officials. What they said was exactly what he suspected. They told him that Saddam Hussein ordered the invasion of Georgia.
• Sterling Hayden was revealed Friday to have been a heroic U.S. spy during World War II. He played a psychotic U.S. general who started a nuclear war with Russia in Dr. Strangelove. The Weather Channel aired the movie all weekend as the five-day forecast.
• General Motors confirmed Friday it’s in talks to sell its Hummer brand to a Moscow billionaire who wants to make Hummers in Russia. It’s a perfect fit. If the Russians have tanks that can travel 100 miles an hour, they can be in Paris in four hours.
• Russian bombers spared Georgia’s three oil pipelines Thursday. It appears to be a preemptive war on a small country for access to its oil and for regime change. White House lawyers are still debating if this is a violation of patent law or copyright law.
• Russia defied U.S. warnings and extended its grip on Georgia Wednesday. It looks like the Evil Empire is back. Just last night CIA microphones picked up Osama bin Laden sitting around a campfire and telling the young guys how important he used to be.
• Mikhail Gorbachev went on the Larry King show Thursday and accused Georgia of starting the crisis. This will most likely end with Russian troops in Georgia permanently. One hundred years from now, they will be arguing over whether Georgia’s flag is racist.
• Russia’s invasion of Georgia failed to become a campaign issue in the American presidential race. Both candidates gave careful, measured, intelligent statements. They were determined not to be topped by Paris Hilton like they were on energy policy.
• Jerry Lewis was cited at the Las Vegas airport for carrying an unloaded gun in his carry-on luggage. He has a very good reason for carrying the handgun. That’s what it takes nowadays to book a variety show in Hollywood when all you pay is union scale.
• N.Y. Times film critic Elvis Mitchell explained $12,000 in cash hidden in a shoebox to U.S. Customs officials by saying he’s afraid of banks. He’s not alone. Mattress companies now advertise that this year’s queen-size holds 40 percent more cash than last year’s.
• The USC Trojans sidelined dozens of their players Wednesday because they were suffering from jock itch. The coach said the team’s new too-tight elastic underpants cause the rash. It’s such torture that Dick Cheney’s coming to practice to see how it works.
• Reverend Rick Warren hosted John McCain and Barack Obama in Orange County this weekend. The congregation didn’t agree with any of them but they got along fine. Orange County is so relaxed and informal now that everyone belongs to the Jack Birch Society.
• The White House said Thursday U.S. drivers drove 12 billion fewer miles last month. It’s not the price of gasoline, it’s the new hands-free cell phone law. Californians would rather stay at home than let anybody think they wear a hearing aid.
• Hillary Clinton’s name will be put in nomination at the Democratic convention under a deal she reached with Obama’s campaign Thursday. He should be very careful. If Barack Obama’s people think Hillary’s people can’t come into Denver and steal this thing, they need to remember that Colorado used to belong to the Cheyenne.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.