HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody?
• China was hit by a 6.2 earthquake in the middle of the country on Tuesday. It struck just three days before the games begin. We could have the first Olympic Games in history that hand out medals for standing still and breathing deeply.
• President Bush arrived in China today to attend the opening ceremonies for the Summer Olympics. It could get very political. In his honor, America’s synchronized swimming team will form a triangle in the deep end and perform an underwater oil well.
• President Bush announced plans to go to church in Beijing on Sunday. He feels very sincerely about it. He’s finished going to churches where they pray with their hands in the air, he is going to one where they pray with their hands in cuffs.
• The Chicago Cubs hosted a game with the Houston Astros Monday that was delayed by lightning which struck the centerfield flag pole. Thank goodness the players were using wooden bats. If it had been a college game, they would all be dead.
• The Green Bay Packers management met with Brett Favre Tuesday. They’re in a furious standoff over whether he’ll be traded, benched or made the starter. It’s been so badly mishandled that people think Condi Rice is already the NFL Commissioner.
• An American Airlines flight had to return to Los Angeles Tuesday when wisps of white smoke filled up the cabin. No one panicked at first. Everyone just assumed that for a fee of $10 the flight attendants were electing popes in first class.
• The FBI defended its aggressive tactics to find the culprit behind the 2001 anthrax mailings. The attacks changed the way mail is handled. If anyone in Beverly Hills gets white powder in the mail we immediately inject it inside a wrinkle to see if it helps.
• Barack Obama urged Americans Tuesday to keep their tires properly inflated to help save on oil. It’s a lost skill. Los Angeles service stations will still check breasts for proper inflation but there’s nobody there who knows how to check tires.
• New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg held a fundraiser to help retire Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign debts Monday. She’s giving everyone who donates to her campaign a chance to have dinner with her. No word yet on what the winner gets.
• John McCain was surrounded by 10,000 bikers Monday in South Dakota, where he volunteered his wife Cindy to enter their Miss Buffalo Chip pageant. It’s a topless contest. It isn’t the first time he has adopted the ways of his captors to escape with his life.
• Dick Cheney’s press secretary stated Tuesday the vice president’s schedule may not let him attend the GOP convention in Minneapolis. What a shame. If they ran a video of his accomplishments as vice president it would be a big hit in Viking country.
• Iraq’s treasury was assessed Tuesday by U.S. auditors, who said Iraq has an annual budget surplus of $20 billion. The president was right when he said Iraq’s oil will pay for the war. He just didn’t tell us the war would be between Iraq and Israel.
• The Way of the World is a new book that says the White House ignored evidence that Saddam had no WMDs and ordered the CIA to forge an Iraqi letter to justify the war. It got no coverage. That day a blonde first-grader was ten minutes late coming home from school and the cable news networks blew out their entire schedule to cover the search.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.