HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody?
• President Bush left for Alaska, South Korea and Thailand Monday before heading to China. He’s taking his usual entourage of SUVs, cargo planes and helicopters. As soon as he released his itinerary, oil shot up $2 a barrel on supply concerns.
• China promised the most spectacular fireworks show ever in the Olympics opening ceremony in Beijing. This wasn’t thought out. When the fireworks go off in the middle of all the sulfur in the air, what happens next should be visible from the Mars Lander.
• The Georgia Bulldogs were voted the country’s top college football team Monday in pre-season polls. They had eight arrests this year alone. If Michael Vick had abused bulldogs on his property instead of pit bulls, he could have pleaded self-defense.
• Brett Favre flew to training camp in Green Bay from Mississippi Sunday aboard a chartered jet. It was cheaper. The airlines charge for extra suitcases now and Green Bay would have had to cut a linebacker to pay for Brett Favre’s emotional baggage.
• Mark Cuban made a $1.5 billion bid to buy the Chicago Cubs in next month’s auction. He’s a financial genius. Mark Cuban got in early on the Internet boom, then 18 months ago he bought stock in the company that makes For Sale signs.
• San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsome threatened Monday to fine residents who fail to separate their garbage properly. He shouldn’t try to order people around. If the people in San Francisco could follow orders they wouldn’t have had to leave the Midwest.
• Senator Ted Stevens was arraigned in federal court Thursday on charges relating to lobbyist kickbacks, after representing the interests and businesses of Alaska for 50 years. You can’t send Ted Stevens to prison. It would corrupt the petty thieves.
• Bill Clinton said Sunday he regretted some things he said in the campaign but denied making any racist statements. It never made sense that he would. Why would he mess up his chance to pick up college girls by saying something bad about Barack Obama?
• John McCain addressed a biker rally in South Dakota Monday. It had women’s mud-wrestling and beer-chugging contests. John McCain won the crowd over when he offered a $200 million dollar prize to anyone who can make a car run on methamphetamines.
• Barack Obama softened his opposition to offshore oil drilling Sunday, angering the far left. The environment was immediately impacted. Three birds were killed by the celebratory gunfire outside the Ralph Nader for President headquarters in Florida.
• House Republicans stayed in Washington D.C. Monday despite the recess, where they took to the floor and demanded that Speaker Pelosi call Congress back in session to solve the energy crisis. They’ve got the public completely behind them on drilling off the coast. The only thing in Los Angeles selling faster than Manny Ramirez jerseys are harpoons.
• Minneapolis hotels tripled their hotel rates for the GOP convention next month and they are demanding a minimum eight-day stay. GOP delegates may try to save costs by sharing hotel rooms. A month from now, picking up strangers in the Minneapolis airport men’s room will no longer be the exclusive province of U.S. Senator Larry Craig.
• Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie got paid $15 million dollars by People magazine for their twin baby photos Monday. They got $5 million for their last baby. Ed McMahon is on the telephone now trying to talk his kids into taking their clothes off for a picture.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.