Aug. 5, 2008

HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody?

• Brett Favre declined Green Bay’s $20 million offer to stay retired in Mississippi Friday. He’d rather mix it up in the trenches on Sundays. Every 150 years Americans have to learn again that Southerners would rather fight than farm.

• Ludacris released a profane rap song endorsing Barack Obama Friday. Many don’t understand rap. When most Americans heard that President Bush decided to bail out Freddie Mac, they wondered why the government was putting money into Death Row Records.

• Albany College researchers found cell phones give off dangerous radiation last week. This is not discouraging their use. Last month when California outlawed talking on cellphones in the car, drivers began using them to microwave dinner on the way home.

• Dodger Stadium sold an extra 10,000 tickets for Manny Ramirez’s first game Friday. They all wanted to see Joe Torre manage five starting outfielders with hot tempers. His acquisition puts the team a leg up on their local competitor, the Los Angeles Zoo.

• NBC’s former executive James Walsh admitted Friday that he embezzled $1 million. The judge ordered him to repay $200,000. Investors were so impressed with the logic that the judge was just named president of Citigroup.

• Georgia residents of Lavonia pitched in Friday and purchased their local strip bar, Cafe Risque, and burned it down. They bought it just so they could burn it down. We’ve learned that’s a lot better than occupying it and trying to teach it democracy.

• President Bush used his Saturday radio address to stress the need for Congress to allow offshore drilling. He’s got 70 percent of the country agreeing with him. The last time we gave him that much rope Saddam Hussein is still hanging from it.

• John McCain’s wife Cindy learned she has a Cuban embargo problem Friday due to the Budweiser takeover by InBev. She owns a Bud distributorship and the Belgian brewery sells in Cuba. Jack Kennedy smoked Cuban cigars in the Oval office despite the trade embargo, but he preferred to think of it as burning their crops to the ground.

• Barack Obama proposed giving each American family a $1,000 check to help pay their higher monthly energy bills. He wants a windfall profits tax on oil companies to pay for the giveaway. If Barack Obama makes a campaign stop in Texas or Oklahoma this fall, it’ll be because his plane had to make an emergency landing.

• GOP candidate Ron Paul co-sponsored Congressman Barney Frank’s bill to eliminate federal laws against marijuana possession. It could solve a lot of things. People drive so slowly when they’re stoned, it could save America 10 million barrels of oil a day.

• The House of Representatives passed a bill Thursday naming tobacco a drug and placing it under FDA supervision. How very clever. They think if it’s classified as a drug, Baby Boomers will start smoking again, and that could save Social Security.

• Ohio police apprehended a man Thursday who walked into the men’s room of a gas station, then came out of the men’s room naked and mumbling. It caught the nation’s attention. You never hear about the times that Senator Larry Craig gets away with it.

• Utah’s government switched to a four-day work week last month, cutting services on Friday. State workers say the three-day weekend makes them feel rejuvenated and recharged. Al Gore warned that the population growth in Utah could destroy the planet.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.