HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody?
• The Los Angeles Dodgers stunned the baseball world by acquiring Boston Red Sox legend Manny Ramirez Friday. He’s world famous for his tremendous talent and his crazy behavior. He’ll blend into Los Angeles like it’s the Witness Protection Program.
• John McCain pulled even with Barack Obama in the Gallup Poll Friday. Democrats don’t realize the nation’s mania for more drilling. It’s gotten to where Americans have begun watching old Flintstones episodes to try to figure out where Dino’s buried.
• China is set to host the Summer Olympics starting Friday. It’s great fun. What other sporting event starts with a thrilling victory and the National Anthem, then ends three years later with a tearful apology and a request for a presidential pardon.
• The U.S. Senior Open in Colorado was halted briefly Friday when a brown bear ran out of the woods and across the golf course. Where’s the Sierra Club when you need it? Bears should not be allowed to encroach upon Republicans in their natural habitat.
• French Riviera beachgoers said Friday fewer women than ever are sunbathing topless this year due to American influence. They’re wrong about Americans. Anyone carrying more than three ounces of liquid in a plastic bag has to take everything off.
• The Transportation Department said Americans reduced their driving by billions of miles last month. Driving is too expensive and flying is unbearable. Stagecoach travel is so imminent Warren Buffet just launched a hostile takeover of Preparation H.
• A Qantas Airlines flight had to make an emergency landing in Manila Monday. The passengers were not happy. Before takeoff the flight attendants announced that in the unlikely event of a water landing there will be a $2 charge for the water.
• Citigroup found itself facing possible charges of fraudulent marketing of securities Friday in New York. The shareholders in the bank are really suffering. Some of them can’t even get their money out because the ATM’s have a $20 minimum.
• Speaker Nancy Pelosi turned off the lights in Congress Friday when Republicans tried to remain in session and demand offshore drilling. What a show of strength. It takes a lot of party discipline to keep debating once a woman turns out the lights.
• Bosnian Serb captive Radovan Karadzic said Friday he can’t get a fair war crimes trial at the Hague. He said he’s the victim of an American media witch hunt. He’s thinking of paying for his defense by selling raffle tickets to have dinner with him.
• John McCain stood by his ad likening Barack Obama to Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. He’s fighting a perception of crankiness. Change We Can Believe In is Barack Obama’s campaign slogan while John McCain’s slogan is You Kids Get Off My Lawn.
• Barack Obama was heckled and booed by black people during a speech in Florida Friday. They demanded he address the concerns of the black community in America. He raised his hand and quieted the storm with a reading from the Book of Platitudes.
• U.S. Congress candidate David Powell assured a crowd of Hasidic Jews in Brooklyn Friday that he will bring home the bacon. It wasn’t his week. The night before, he told the Young Republicans Club he understands their issues because he’s a bowler too.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org.