HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody?
• Brett Favre infuriated Green Bay Packer fans with plans to arrive in training camp on Friday and rescind his retirement. For months, people in Wisconsin have showered the emotional quarterback with going-away gifts. He is not going away, but it was worth a try.
• Oliver Stone released a trailer of his new movie about President Bush’s wild youth back in the Seventies. The director was meticulous about keeping the movie true to the era and yet fair to the Bush family. The coke dealer is the moral center of the story.
• President Bush called on Congress Wednesday to allow a vote on offshore oil drilling off the coast of California. Seventy percent of the public is on his side. For the first time in history, American audiences are booing the whales at Sea World in San Diego.
• Southern California was hit by a moderately strong earthquake Tuesday that rattled homes and swayed office buildings and frazzled nerves for 30 seconds. Everybody who lives in Los Angeles agrees that it could have been a lot worse. It could have rained.
• The Food and Drug Administration blamed the salmonella outbreak on the contaminated irrigation water on Mexican farms. What is wrong with Mexico? Any other country with that much tequila and oil would need a 700 mile-long wall to keep Americans out.
• Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert announced Wednesday he will step down from office next month. The day before, cable news political pundits in America were saying that you can take it to the bank that he would remain in office. That’s how safe our banks are.
• Saudi Arabia outlawed dog-walking Tuesday, claiming that people use dog-walking as an excuse to flirt. The regime could be overthrown by the Americans any day now. If the Saudis think we’re sentimental about office towers they should see how we feel about dogs.
• Hillary Clinton is having an online contest to raise the millions she needs to pay off her campaign debt, and the winner gets to have dinner with her. That’s a lot of baggage. Most guys don’t even want to have dinner with a woman who needs her car repaired.
• The Washington Post editorial page chided Barack Obama on Wednesday for acting as if he were already the President of the United States. He’s becoming a lot more humble as the campaign grinds on. During the Democratic primaries he acted as if he were Jesus Christ.
• Ludacris released a rap song for Barack Obama Tuesday that called Hillary a bitch. The Democrats are blowing it right before our eyes. If the Republicans can hold onto the White House after eight years of President Bush, they deserve the Nobel Prize for Sorcery.
• John McCain called Barack Obama a celebrity like Britney Spears in a new campaign ad Wednesday. Don’t tempt him. Barack Obama may pull out of the race when he finds out that the presidency doesn’t pay nearly as well as showing up at club openings in Las Vegas.
• John McCain told reporters Wednesday he supports a proposed Arizona ballot measure that would ban affirmative action policies. That’s understandable. He particularly does not like the one saying every 44th U.S. president has to be an African-American.
• China was accused Tuesday of installing Internet spy equipment in all Beijing hotel rooms to monitor Olympic visitors and journalists. Every hotel guest’s web history, messages, searches and key strokes will be spied on by the Chinese government. This time next year, China will be flooding our markets with a shorter and less expensive Bob Costas.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.