July 31, 2008

HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody?

• Barack Obama met with economists Monday following his return from Europe, where he met with NATO leaders and helped craft a unified Allied policy for disarming Iran. He’s the acting president of the United States. Nature can’t stand a void.

• Brett Favre faxed a letter to the National Football League offices in New York on Tuesday asking to be reinstated. Retirement on the farm in Mississippi didn’t work out for him as well as he hoped. He had no idea that tractors ran on gasoline.

• Los Angeles was hit Tuesday by an earthquake felt in every Southern California city. That’s on top of last week’s floods and hurricane. Republicans will win back Congress if they explain to voters that they are destroying the Earth in self-defense.

• The U.S. Olympic basketball team landed in China Monday and checked into Macao’s five-star Venetian Macao hotel casino. The team trains in Europe in Monte Carlo and in the U.S. in Las Vegas. It’s a way of telling the referees, do as we say not as we do.

• NBA referee Tim Donaghy was sentenced to prison Tuesday for fixing the scores of pro basketball games with his calls on the court. The house made a killing. Tim Donaghy got 15 months in prison, and the line for overs and unders was five years.

• Oliver Stone completed the trailer for his President Bush movie Tuesday. It depicts him drinking and singing and dancing on top of a bar. Oliver Stone knows a movie about Iraq won’t sell any tickets so he’s trying to convince the public it’s a musical.

• Mississippi was ranked the most obese state Tuesday, the same day Playboy named Ole Miss the second-best party school. Not one law is broken the entire time. The War on Drugs is now the leading cause of diabetes, sleep apnea and cirrhosis of the liver.

• The Democratic Party agreed to serve fried food, barbecue burgers and candy at the convention instead of organic produce. Wise decision. You want Barack Obama’s acceptance speech interrupted by applause, not by 70,000 salmonella attacks.

• Barack Obama saw an orthopedic doctor in Chicago on Sunday for a sore hip. The city has the most experienced orthopedic doctors in the world. Chicago’s had so many leg breakers, the city’s nickname was the City with Big Shoulders, Resting on Crutches.

• Barack Obama’s stolen prayer note was retrieved and placed back in Jerusalem’s Wailing Wall Tuesday. Those rolled-up prayers are supposed to be just between you and God. This is why by the eighth year of any presidency there is nothing in writing.

• Senator Ted Stevens was indicted in Washington D.C. Tuesday for lying to federal agents investigating possible corruption by the eight-term senator from Alaska. He has been around for a long time. Czar Alexander included him with the sale.

• Senator Ted Stevens’s indictment Tuesday states he received a Viking gas grill and furniture, tools, and a new car, and failed to disclose it. For crying out loud, the man’s 84 years old. He has no memory of ever being on The Price is Right.

• John McCain indicated Tuesday he’s open to the idea of raising the payroll tax to fund Social Security, infuriating Republicans. If Social Security goes belly-up, he’s going to have to live on what Cindy makes. What women like most about 72-year-old gigolos is the 30 minutes of conversation before the pill kicks in.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.