HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody?
• The Dark Knight passed $310 million at the box office in its first 10 days out. It was a very expensive movie to make. Just the amount of gasoline it took to get fire to shoot out of the Batmobile nearly broke the studio.
• China said Monday that Islamic militants have made threats against the Olympic games in Beijing. They said they have tight control over security. Under China’s strict one-child policy, the U.S. Olympic basketball team will not be permitted to date.
• Mick Jagger officially became a senior citizen Saturday when the Rolling Stones singer turned 65 years old in New York. It was just what you would expect. Everyone who did drugs at the birthday party got hit with a $25 co-pay.
• Jay Leno inched closer Tuesday to signing with ABC after he leaves the Tonight Show next year. His joke output every night is superhuman. Jay Leno has the same nickname among workaholics that Richard Pryor used to have among cokeheads, Fearless Leader.
• Homeland Security declared a heightened state of alert worldwide on Monday. It just brought up a lot of bad memories. Every time Americans see that roll of duct tape in the kitchen drawer it’s a grim reminder to us all that we’ll believe anything.
• President Bush met Pakistan’s prime minister at the White House Monday. While they talked, the U.S. launched a missile strike on Pakistan hideouts without informing the head of the government. President Bush is only told things on a need-to-know basis.
• Barack Obama met with economic advisors in Washington to plot policy Monday. He just returned from the Middle East and Europe. While Barack Obama was in London he decided to bypass the election and ask the Queen’s permission to form a government.
• London’s World News was found liable for slandering billionaire Max Mosely. They dressed hookers like German soldiers to spank him on hidden camera. If John McCain is really that tired of Barack Obama getting all the TV airtime, there’s always a solution.
• The Auto Club reported Monday the average price of gasoline dropped below $4 a gallon. Everyone knows what’s next. We’re 25 cents a gallon away from President Bush arranging for an emergency bailout of the struggling oil industry.
• Congress voted billions to rescue defaulting homeowners Monday just days after the White House bailed out overextended banks. It’s a trend. Every casino in Las Vegas just installed a hotline to the Treasury Department next to the cashier’s cage.
• The Justice Department’s inspector general reported Monday top officials broke the law by using politics in the hiring of U.S. attorneys. That’s a first. In seven years the only thing found innocent in this administration has been a crate of tomatoes.
• John McCain had a mole removed from the side of his face Monday after doctors gave him a good going-over. He’s been out campaigning for two years. His blood sugar was high, but his salt, ketchup, mustard, and grated cheese levels are just fine.
• Hillary Clinton’s campaign began selling office computers and furniture Friday to start paying off her $20 million campaign debt. That explains why she agreed to give speeches for Obama. She gets $1 million a week, but she has to mean it.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.