HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody?
• The Green Bay Packers said Brett Favre will report to the team’s training camp Sunday. It will be taped for a reality show. Brett Favre is going to compete with Barack Obama in a series of challenges to determine which one of them is the Second Coming.
• The Princeton Review issued its annual list of Top Ten Party Schools on Friday with West Virginia finishing in first place on the nationwide list. It wasn’t fair at all. People with stills always have an advantage during times of economic collapse.
• Rudy Giuliani’s son Andrew sued Duke University because the golf coach cut him from the team and refused to reinstate him. His teammates said he was disruptive and rude and arrogant. His father is so proud of him that he put him back in the will.
• Kelsey Grammer on Thursday discussed the heart attack he suffered while swimming in the ocean last month after hearing that his sitcom got canceled. He’s out of work, but he’s alive. Network executives and sharks find Baby Boomers too tough and gristly.
• Washington D.C. columnist Bob Novak hit an 86-year-old homeless man with his black Corvette Wednesday and then drove away from the scene. He’s been fined $50. Thank goodness the Supreme Court just overturned Washington D.C.’s handgun ban or people might be defending their homes with Corvettes just to save on legal fees.
• The Food and Drug Administration on Friday blamed this year’s salmonella outbreak on fresh jalapenos imported from Mexico. These free-trade agreements turned out to be fair after all. They’ve got us exchanging worthless dollars for poisoned produce.
• The Mississippi River was hit by a 400,000 gallon oil spill in New Orleans last week. It’s costing oil companies a quarter-billion dollars a day. President Bush just flew to Houston and place a rolled-up prayer in the Drilling Wall.
• Barack Obama wrote a prayer to God which he placed in Jerusalem’s Wailing Wall last week. The prayer note was retrieved by a seminary student and published in an Israeli newspaper. Everybody in Israel wanted to know if it was addressed, Dear Dad.
• Barack Obama stopped in Paris Friday to meet with the French president, Nicolas Sarkozy. It went very well. He got excellent advice from John Kerry, who told him under no circumstances should he allow himself to be photographed with the Eiffel Tower.
• Barack Obama gave a speech to a huge outdoor crowd in Berlin Thursday. There’s a reason they were nice to him. They are very superstitious in Germany and when they heard he’s killed a witch they wanted to elect him president of the Black Forest.
• John McCain ripped Barack Obama for opposing the troop surge in a speech to a convention of Hispanic military veterans in Denver Friday. He was preaching to the choir. Hispanic military veterans invented the troop surge at the Alamo so they know how well it works.
• President Bush sanctioned Zimbabwe Friday, finally realizing that Robert Mugabe is beyond redemption. At last, he gets it. Hardly a day goes by that another name isn’t added to the list of leaders he should have overthrown instead of Saddam Hussein.
• Osama bin Laden’s driver testified Thursday that a Moroccan prisoner released from Guantanamo four years ago was actually Osama’s bodyguard. We caught the bodyguard and we caught the driver but we couldn’t get a clear shot at Osama. Donald Rumsfeld became Secretary of Defense after he was kicked out of the Paparazzi’s Union.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.