BEVERLY HILLS–God bless America, and how’s everybody?
• San Francisco will name the city’s sewage treatment plant after President Bush if a ballot measure passes this fall. Don’t miss the tour. Inside the plant will be an exhibit showing visitors the difference between weapons of mass destruction and Shinola.
• Shaquille O’Neal was ordered by Arizona and Virginia sheriffs to hand over his deputy badges for singing a rap song Sunday using racist language. He still has his Los Angeles badge. We expect all our Los Angeles police officers to speak English.
• Bill Murray’s divorce was settled quietly Thursday in South Carolina. His wife accused him of being a pothead and a drunk and a sex addict. Today that’s a mark of shame, while 30 years ago that’s how they introduced him on Saturday Night Live.
• Tiger Woods ate an apple and tossed it aside at the U.S. Open last Monday. A fan picked it up and sold it on eBay for $36,000. They figure if they can take his gum cells and clone them into a pro golfer it’s a better investment than GM stock.
• Los Angeles City Hall reported Tuesday it has issued 7,000 oil drilling permits to drill in the city. The wildcatters are everywhere. Ed McMahon was last seen in his front yard in Beverly Hills working the gopher holes with a toilet plunger.
• President Bush met with the crown prince of Abu Dhabi, Sheik ohammed Bin Zayed al-Nahyan, at Camp David Thursday. You could guess what they discussed. President Bush saw the latest polls, and he’s not as worried about his legacy as he is his escape.
• President Bush lifted trade sanctions on North Korea Friday after they blew up their reactor. North Korea’s factory workers are paid even less than the Chinese. The first black president may have to reintroduce slavery to make sure America can compete.
• Barack Obama broke down and gave Hillary Clinton a $2,300 donation Thursday. It’s to help retire her campaign debt. When she showed up for the meeting wearing a hoop skirt made out of velvet draperies he knew she really needed the money.
• Barack Obama said he approved of the Supreme Court’s ruling to allow handgun ownership in Washington D.C. after earlier backing the ban on guns. Last week he reneged on his word to take public campaign financing and went private. A hundred years from now, Americans will be commemorating Barack Obama with the March Back and Forth.
• North Korea hosted foreign observers Friday to watch the North Korean military blow up their nuclear plant. Neighboring countries aren’t panicking about fallout. Japan has reassured everybody that if you’ve seen two of these things, you’ve seen them all.
• The Supreme Court ruled Thursday that Washington D.C. residents have the right to own handguns at home. No one wants to see a return to guns on the street in the nation’s capital. The neighborhoods have been so much quieter since people started using knives.
• Denver Mayor John Hickenlooper vowed Thursday the Democratic Convention will be the greenest event ever. The first rule is no fried food. The Louisiana delegates are hereby reminded not to carry more than four ounces of Crisco onto the plane with them.
• The Great Apes Project got a bill passed in Spain’s legislature Friday that bans the exploiting of apes on television or in movies. That doesn’t seem fair at all. For years and years Cheetah was the only reason straight people enjoyed Tarzan movies.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.