By Bob Huber: Local Columnist
It’s time once more for a horoscope analysis from Dr. Zodiac to help you survive global warming, killer bees and evil stuff like that. All you need is your date of birth, which you may not remember because you’ve kept it well hidden for so many years.
(If you truly can’t remember, a random date will be provided for a minimal charge along with an autographed color photo of Dr. Zodiac. No CODs please.)
So lean back, relax and let Dr. Zodiac dictate what will happen to you in the coming year. He’s really good at this stuff and tells it like it is, no punches pulled.
• Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) — Be careful what you say and who you say it to in the coming year. In fact, you’d be better off if you kept your mouth shut permanently. Believe me, folks would appreciate it.
• Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 22) — Something you already know will come true. On the other hand, something you don’t know probably won’t. You’ll be happier if you don’t try to understand this puzzle. You’re not capable of in-depth thought anyway.
• Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 21) — Your chief asset is your natural ability to bring out the worst in people. You’re so nice, folks can’t resist taking a swipe at you. Keep your dukes up and try a little orneriness. Kick a dog today.
• Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) — This could be a good time to improve the world around you, even if it’s detrimental to your career. Being a discount store greeter isn’t all that rewarding anyway. Wear some socks for a change, preferably red, white and blue striped.
• Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 19) — Your enthusiasm, sincerity and warmth will provide you with many new enemies, because everyone hates a go-getter. Your presence will be scorned by everyone. Get a life.
• Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20) — You possess the strength and resolve everyone else is lacking, but that won’t make you many friends. In fact, you won’t get a single Christmas card this year. Seek pity and cry a lot.
• Aries (March 21-April 19) — If you run into a friend, don’t let him get a word in. With your faulty memory, you won’t remember what he says anyway. And stop rolling your eyes if he does say something. Nobody likes a smart aleck.
• Taurus (April 20-May 20) — Some enchanted evening, you might get an idea that could make you gobs of money. Ignore it. Besides, it’s impossible to teach mermaids to wear bikini halters.
• Gemini (May 21-June 20) — This could be a fulfilling year, what’s left of it, if you utilize your carnal appetites. Keep in mind that the only reason Santa Claus is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
• Cancer (June 21-July 22) — For goodness sake, lose some weight. You have flabby thighs. Your only safety net is that your stomach covers them. Try eating roots only, and stay away from animal crackers. No telling what animals are in there.
• Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) — Friends will be happy to hear you talk about your hobbies, as long as you’re willing to listen to theirs. If someone gets carried away and you just can’t stand it, punch your way out of the conversation. Practice your left hook.
•Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) — Now is the time to shuck your timid attitude. Seek an important goal and don’t let anyone stand in your way. Be bold. When you just can’t make that work, cry softly so no one hears you. Big baby.