By Ryn Gargulinski: local columnist
There’s a man rambling around town and he’s a real pain in the keister.
He’s currently hitting the West Coast but, if he already hasn’t, will be moving inland sometime soon.
He’s not a nice man to meet, for the first thing he does is bludgeon the skull so it feels like it’s filled with cotton. He then throttles the throat to the point of constriction and, in the worst-case scenarios, makes one cough up green stuff or blood.
His M.O. is the same, whether it be Chattanooga or Clovis, Texas or Tucumcari, Paris or Portales. Well, it’s going to be a tad different in Paris, since folks will say “salut” instead of “bless you.”
We’re talking about the summer cold. And yes, it’s a male since it’s much harsher than the female winter cold variety.
Now it’s not me who says males are generally meaner, but statistics in those true crime novels I read show three percent of men are sociopaths while only one percent of females are graced with such tendencies.
Although horrid in its own right, the winter cold cannot compete with a summer illness.
First off, everyone else is outside jet skiing. More of those true crime statistics show violence escalates in the summer months simply because those afflicted with a summer cold need to take out their anger about being too ill to jet ski.
Summertime murders that have historically occurred around Conchas Dam and Ute Lake involve a perpetrator who is suffering from a summer cold. Being so enraged he can’t jet ski — and a sociopath, to boot — the dude has no other outlet but to kill in cold blood.
Secondly, it’s much easier to loll around on a sick bed when it’s 43 degrees and blustery rather than 103 degrees and sunny. Summer screams for one to play outside, something not recommended when one’s head feels like it’s going to explode.
Even a simple pastime such as lounging by the lake, which may seem harmless, serves only to increase the already feverish body temperature. The sun beating down upon an ailing body is also known to induce some serious nausea.
Besides, it’s not safe — one is physically weakened by the cold and thus less effective in fending off the murderer who is angry he can’t jet ski.
Another drawback of a summer cold is the lack of cold-fighting remedies on the market.
All good things for cold sufferers seem to be completely seasonal. Good luck finding a steamy bowl of chicken soup, soothing hot tea or any kind of cocoa — unless, of course, it’s sprinkled on ice cream.
Perhaps the only benefit of having a summer cold rather than its winter variety is it blows that annoying myth out of the water — there’s no way one caught the illness from going outside without a hat on.
Ryn Gargulinski writes for Freedom Newspapers of New Mexico. She can be reached at: