5/26 amos

Editor’s note: Amos is a church mouse, who types by hopping on the computer keyboard, but he can’t operate the capital shift, and he shuns punctuation marks – except hyphens and dashes.

a dieter s dilemma

boss i ve decided never
to talk to freddy the flea
anymore he called me a
big fat mouse the other
day and made me mad

so i called him a
skinny little tick
but somehow it didn t
have the same impact

he could have called
me a big fat louse
because even a fat louse
is still not very big
it s ugly as sin
but it s not very big

anyway freddy asked
me if i was gaining
weight – that i was
starting to look like
a big fat mouse

i said of course not
can t you see any
better than that
you skinny little tick

then i went home and
weighed my big fat mousy
self and sure enough i
had gained six ounces
which is sizable for a
mouse my size

boss i tried to go on a
diet i really did but to no
avail – i kept dipping into
my chocolate stash – i
just haven t been the
same since i fell into that
big chocolate vat

then i went to chunky
dan s exercise gym
down the street and
tried to work out my
hairy little limbs
pushups were a disaster
i couldn t even get up
off the floor – and any
time i got near an
exercise machine it
nearly thrashed me -
i just walked around
the medicine ball

depressed i decided
to cheer myself up by
visiting my faithful
old chocolate stash

after my depression had
been totally smothered
by my self-applied
chocolate therapy – not
particularly advocated
by any psychologists
in the church pew
underworld boss –
and licking the last
vestiges of the gooey mass
from my gray whiskers
i headed to the little
mousehole that i call
my home

but something happened
when i tried to slip
through it – it closed
around my middle – i
couldn t move a muscle

i was stuck so tight boss
that i could hardly wiggle
i couldn t turn or slide
roll flip or run away to hide
it was a cinch that i couldn t
budge an inch

it was tough to breathe
air came and went in tiny
little heaves i squinted my
eyes sucked in my cheeks
and curled my toes
but it only made me puff more
mostly through my nose

oh god says me in a
tearful plea i m sorry
i was mean to my little
buddy freddy the flea

if you ll just get me
outta here i ll be good to
all my little peers and
i won t get mad anymore
tease little bugs or slam
any doors i promise to
watch my diet and not
cause my cholesterol to riot

but the lord decided i needed
some time to mull over my
plight and after an
involuntary three-day fast i
shrank enough to roll
myself home in abject
humility which they say
is good for the soul

it seems my soul is doing
well these days boss

amos