By Ned Cantwell: State Columnist
Bill Richardson wants a football team, casinos want gamblers, our national parks are, no kidding, considering corporate sponsors.
Welcome to New Mexico. Everyone wants something. That’s why it is the prediction here the comely Deborah Hale of Albuquerque is setting a trend.
Deborah is 48 years old. She is successful. She is attractive. And, by golly, she wants a man. Deb laments that working alone as she does, about the only guys she sees every day are the UPS man and the FedEx man.
Not to belittle delivery hunks, but Deborah wants to spread wider the net in order to get a good catch. Enter eBay and this enticing offer: She is offering a sumptuous home for $600,000 and she will be in the kitchen. Buy the house, get a bride.
Gentlemen, if you have 600 grand and are single, this may be the deal. Take note, though, guy-wise, Debby is looking for no fixer-upper. The fellow must be well educated, adventurous, fond of travel, kind, thoughtful, fit, attentive and generous.
In other words, Deborah is looking for the guy most women think they’ve married until they realize he can’t see his toes over his belly while lying on the couch being attentive to Monday Night Football, his thoughtfulness limited to wondering how it might be possible to fetch another beer without traveling on his own two feet to the fridge.
Other examples of eBay advertising New Mexico is almost sure to see:
• Deep caves in Southern New Mexico seeking big corporate sugar daddy to help us pay the bills. Bat habitat willing to change name from Carlsbad Caverns National Park to “Energizer Flashlight Spooky Trails — Never A Dark Moment.” Buy in price includes park sponsorship and scores of dedicated rangers.
• New Mexico casinos seek suckers … ummm, we mean … fun-loving folks with risk-prone natures to seek fortunes at our horse track gambling facilities. The slots took in “only” $55.2 million July through September. They swallowed your coins and folding stuff, gave you some of it back, and still put $55 million in owners’ pockets. Ideal patrons will be adventuresome — we don’t much care if you are fit — and be willing to stick the rent money in our machines, a quarter at a time.
• New Mexico treasurer’s staff seeks quick learners to catch on to a clever kickback scheme already well oiled. Criminal representation a possible requirement.
• State of New Mexico seeking National Football League team, any National Football League team — we’ll even take Houston — to become Land of Enchantment athletic icon. Offer comes with governor who will have high visibility hanging around team owners and stars, plus be available for hands-on management. Could be his oversight might have to come from Washington D.C. beginning in 2009. Possible stadium sponsorship by Snickers bars.
• Generous taxpayers needed to fund state float in Rose Bowl Parade. Fifty-five feet long, three-story-high float will cost $165,000. Entire float made of roses with exception of real live governor who will sit at front driving the horse-drawn buckboard. Purpose of this float is to entice hoards of California tourists to flock to New Mexico and to remind nation that Richardson is not running for president.
God bless him, Big Bill doesn’t miss a trick, does he?
Ned Cantwell is an experienced float rider who happens to be available Jan. 1. Contact him at: firstname.lastname@example.org