Mom’s wisdom stands test of time

By Bob Huber

When I was a kid, I stayed alert to the whims of the Axis power, namely my mother, and I found she had a vast array of covert knowledge hidden beneath her quaint farm-girl homilies. Her views on some of mankind’s most endearing areas of scholarship stick with me to this day. Such as:

• Mom’s view of religion: “You’d better pray that oil stain will come out of the carpet.”

• On time travel: “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week.”

• On logic: “Because I said so, that’s why.”

• On planning ahead: “Put on clean underwear in case you feel like riding the old sow again.”

• About osmosis: “Keep your mouth shut and eat your supper.”

• About contortionists: “Look at that dirt on the back of your neck.”

• About stamina: “You just sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

• About meteorology: “If you want rainbows, you gotta put up with rain.”

• About hypocrisy: “If I told you once, I told you a million times — don’t exaggerate.”

• About civilized behavior: “Stop acting like your father.”

• About anticipation: “Just wait until we get home.”

• About medical science: “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they’ll freeze that way.”

• About mind reading: “You think I don’t know when you’re lying?”

• About adulthood: “Eat your broccoli or you’ll stunt your growth.”

• About genetics: “You’re just like your father.”

• About roots: “Shut the door. You born in a barn?”

• About wisdom: “When you get to my age, you’ll understand.”

• About the future: “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.”

• Economics: “If you get into my butter and egg money again, I’ll sell you to the Gypsies.”

• Tolerance: “I like Gypsies. They buy bad boys.”

• History: “When was the last time you had a bath?”

• Music: “Don’t whistle in the house.”

• Character. “You go fishing, which automatically makes you a liar.”

• Basketball: “Something’s wrong with a sport where cheerleaders’ costumes get skimpier, but players’ uniforms get baggier.”

• Farming: “Farming is 50 percent mental strain and 90 percent manure.”

• About motorcycles: “No, you can’t have one. They’re noisy and cause folks to knock down trees with their faces.”

• Politics: “If you’re a good boy, you could grow up to be governor. And if you don’t grow up, you could be lieutenant governor.”

• Taxidermy: “If you don’t do as I say, I’ll nail your hide to the barn door.”

• Hygiene: “If you hang out with pigs, you’re gonna get some slop on you.”

• About speaking softly: “Don’t talk with your mouth full.”

• How to win friends and influence people: “Always do what’s right. That way, you’ll please most folks and astonish the rest.”

• About savoring life: “Think of that dumb lady on the Titanic who passed up dessert.”

• About humor: “When you cut off your foot with the ax, don’t come running to me for sympathy.”

• Greek logic: “If you fall out of that tree house and break your neck, you’re not going to town with me.”

• Irony: “If you keep crying, I’ll give you something to cry about.”

• About the circle of life: “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”

• Holidays: “Father’s Day is the same as Mother’s Day, only cheaper.”

• Experience: “… is a hard teacher who gives the test first, then the lesson.”

Bob Huber is a retired journalist living in Portales. He can be contacted at 356-3674.